- Lebron James and the Miami Heat have returned to the NBA Finals for the second year in a row. And today, republican Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney spoke to Lebron James about this saying, “it’s okay if the American public hates you— as long as you are a multimillionaire, and can kick and scream your way to a dismal second place defeat.”
- Apple CEO Tim Cook is expected to unveil the latest details for the new iPhone and MacBook operating system. Cook said that the latest line of Apple software was designed with the late Steve Jobs’ clear-minded Buddhist influence—particularly the sect of Buddhism that encourages followers to sell overpriced shiny electronics made with child labor to American consumers.
- Adventurist Nik Wellenda plans to walk across Niagara Falls on a tight rope this week. Yes, he hopes that after he walks across the falls on a tight rope, he can finally get inducted into the “Do Crazy Shit For Attention Hall of Fame”.
- Fifty years ago today, the only escapees from Alcatraz prison made their infamous getaway from the prison island in San Francisco Bay. However, this morning, all three of the fugitive escapees were located and arrested after being duped into doing a one of those trite reunion interviews on The Today Show.
- “Willy Wonka” actor Gene Wilder today celebrates his 79th birthday. According to relatives, his birthday wish was, “YOU KIDS KEEP YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF MY CHOCOLATE”.
- The National Football League is considering adding sideline concussion tests during the games this year. Players are concerned, however, because unlike college, there will be no one to take these tests for them.
- In Idaho, a ban was lifted on selling a vodka called “Five Wives Vodka”, after the drink had been called offensive to Mormons. The vodka will now be sold under its new name, “Larry King’s Personal Life”.
- A recent study has shown that too little sleep each night can increase ones risk for a stroke. In a related study, too little sleep has been linked to unsupervised internet use and the work day starting too goddamn early.
- The family of Fahrenheit 451 author Ray Bradbury —who passed away last week — has spoken about the legendary author during his final days. Apparently, his last words were “Michael Moore still owes me $10 Million bucks.”