- Today is the 25th anniversary of Ronald Reagan’s speech at the Berlin Wall. Sarah Palin released a statement about that saying, “Today we remember President Ronald Reagan’s iconic quote about the Berlin Wall: ‘All in all we’re just another brick in the wall, Mr. Gorbachev.'”
- The LAPD is reporting that someone found a pair of human lungs on the sidewalk in South Los Angeles. Detectives have speculated that rapper Snoop Dogg may have received a double lung transplant, the doctor stole the old lungs to sell on eBay, then changed his mind as he drove back to to his Mansion in Brentwood.
- The Los Angeles Kings hockey team have won their first Stanley Cup Trophy in their 45-year history. At their victory parade this Thursday, the team plans to distribute team photographs and flyers explaining that Los Angeles actually has a hockey team, and they actually won the Stanley Cup while the rest of the city was doing LA’s 3 S’es: surfing, shopping, or stuck in traffic.
- The Oklahoma City Thunder have made it to the NBA Finals for the first time. However, it may be a while before the Thunder get to play any Finals games due to a filibuster by Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn.
- The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers will be announcing new internet suffixes to replace .com—- some of which will include .lol .bank and .music. There are a few others they are considering, and which include .boobs .batshitcrazyconspiracytheory and .catvideos
- The People’s Republic of China is reportedly planning to have a manned space launch this month. While on the mission, the Chinese astronauts hope to study the effects of zero-gravity on child labor.
- Commerce Secretary John Bryson has been placed on medical leave after supposedly having a seizure while driving his car, which caused a pair of car crashes over the weekend. To comfort Secretary Bryson, former President George W. Bush called Bryson on the phone and told him, “Don’t you worry, Johnny. It could be worse, my Secretary of Commerce crashed the entire economy.”
- Starbucks is introducing new products to sell at its coffee shops to help support creating jobs in America. Some of the products include a book to translate the serving sizes from smug Starbucks language to English, as well as a small Starbucks coffee maker, so you can make burned coffee from the comfort of your home.