Late Night Jokes for June 13, 2012

  • University of North Dakota will be relinquishing it’s athletics moniker, The Fighting Sioux, after the state voted it to be “too offensive”.  Instead, the University of North Dakota will be renaming their mascot, The Drinking Yah Dontchaknows.
  • Apple unveiled its latest operating system, iOS 6, on Tuesday.  The new system has functions designed to make it easier to post on Facebook.  Apple estimates that it will now be 50 times more likely that you’ll accidentally post a picture of your ding-dong on your Facebook profile.
  • A recent study has shown that eating fish oils—Omega 3 Fatty Acids— does not fend off dementia as well as previously determined.  So now you have no excuse for throwing raw salmon at your grandma—you’re just being a jerk.
  • Former President of Egypt, Hosni Mubarak is gravely ill while serving time in prison.  He has expressed that he fears that the prison doctors want him dead.  Mubarak became suspicious after he overheard one of the doctors say, “I don’t care if he’s wearing them when he dies—I call dibs on old-man Hosni’s aviator sunglasses.”
  • A woman in a St. Louis Wal-Mart was caught shoplifting and cooking meth inside of the Wal-Mart store.  Wal-Mart security guards had her kicked out of the store after she admitted she was also part of a labor union.
  • A poll released today shows that most Americans oppose the use of unmanned drone planes for routine police reconnaissance.  The same Americans also suggested that police do their spying the same way the rest of America does:  with Facebook.  (Yes we are aware that there now have been two Facebook-related punchlines today)
  • The owners of Main Street Diner in Council Bluffs, Iowa are furious at the Mitt Romney Campaign.  The owners say that the campaign staff caused damage all over the restaurant—including ripping table cloths, breaking holes into the roof, and they even smashed a framed picture of the owner’s father.  Witnesses said the melee started when Romney threw a fit after the diner refused to serve him caviar with his grilled cheese.
  • This week, Burger King introduces a Bacon Sundae—an entire ice cream dish topped with real bacon.  And with every purchase of a Bacon Sundae, Burger King will be giving away shirts that say, “My cholesterol level is MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS.”
  • A homeless man in Colorado was awarded $77,000 after he found the money in the trash, turned it into authorities, and nobody came forward to claim it.  With his new spoils, the homeless man treated himself to night at the Four Seasons Hotel, where he slept on a king size bed made entirely of newspaper and discarded Domino’s Pizza boxes.
  • The town of Middleborough, Massachusetts approved a mandatory fine of $20 if caught swearing in public.  The town has included one exception to this law, making it legal to swear in public whenever the New England Patriots blow a perfect season in the Super Bowl.

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