- Popstar Chris Brown was injured last night after getting attacked at a nightclub in New York. Police are not sure what the assailant looks like, but they do know the assailant goes by the name, “Karma”.
- Donald Trump turned 66 years old today. His hairdo turned 35.
- On Wednesday, San Francisco Giants pitcher Matt Cain became only the 23rd pitcher to throw perfect game in the history of Major League Baseball— in a 10-0 win over the Houston Astros. After the game, however, the Los Angeles Dodgers showed up and mugged Cain in the parking lot.
- The will of the late Penn State football coach, Joe Paterno was publicly released Thursday. In the will, Paterno bequeathed his incontinence to Jerry Sandusky.
- A study shows that the average price of 4-year universities jumped 15% between 2008 and 2010. And even more bad news for college students: there has been a 30% increase in the price of Easy Mac and weed.
- A source close to Prince William and Princess Kate said that the couple plans to attempt to conceive a baby between September 2012 and the summer of 2013. But until then, the royal couple plans to “just bone in the Queen’s bed like we usually do.”
- Actor-producer Mark Wahlberg said he plans to finish high school and earn his diploma sometime this year. In fact, Wahlberg has already made lots of new friends at is high school—- because he is now the only student old enough to buy beer and guns for his classmates.
- Today is flag day. In addition, it is the anniversary of President Eisenhower adding the line, “One Nation Under God” to the Pledge of Allegiance. And to celebrate this, former Vice President Al Gore suggested that there should be a more accurate line in the Pledge: “One Nation Under A Deteriorating Ozone Layer”.
- Research has shown that living in New York City increases one’s life expectancy. More specifically, researchers have said that paying rent that is too high and yelling, “AYY F#%K YOU” from the back of a cab during traffic jams are very healthy exercises.