- Glenn Beck announced that he is working on a conservative TV show to “counter the effects of ‘Glee'”. Beck’s new conservative ‘Glee’ ripoff will chronicle the daily lives of a clique of high school football jocks and cheerleaders who occasionally sing, in between flunking basic math and bullying gay students.
- It was leaked today that President Barack Obama will be prepping for debating Mitt Romney with the help of Senator John Kerry—who will play the role of Mitt Romney in mock-debates with the President. Obama said that he wanted, “a filthy rich New England douchebag to teach him how to debate another much larger filthy rich New England douchebag.”
- Over the weekend, the Beach Boys performed a live concert at Central Park in New York. This show was part of the Beach Boys’ “Still Playing The Same Sterile Music You Can’t Really Dance To For White 50-Year-Olds in the U-S of A” Tour.
- Speaking of sterile music for yuppies… Singer Barry Manilow turned 69 this past weekend. He said his goal for this year is to sleep with sixty nine 69-year-old women while he is 69 years old. Contrary to what you may now be thinking, he prefers missionary. And he will accomplish this goal by next Tuesday.
- A new study shows 32% of Americans under the age of 30 do not believe in God. The main reason young people don’t believe in God much anymore? The internet—-because who needs to worship and pray to a higher power when you can you get a date, order Chinese food, and create self-aggrandizing status updates to all of your old high school nemeses—- all while sitting in your underwear with an iPad over your crotch?
- Two female members of the State Legislature in Michigan were formally silenced by republicans for saying the word “Vagina” while speaking on the Legislature floor. The same day, republican legislators in Michigan released a list of additional terms they consider to be too disturbing for the Michigan public: “Profit”, “Decent cars”, “Super Bowl title”, and “great place to take an exotic vacation”.
- This week in 1858, after accepting the Illinois Republican Party’s nomination for the U.S. Senate, Abraham Lincoln said the slavery issue had to be resolved, declaring his famous quote, “A House divided against itself cannot stand.” To commemorate this, Speaker of the House John Boehner tried paraphrasing Lincoln’s saying, to which he said, “a House divided against itself is the best way to trick people into believing Obama is the one screwing the country.”
- Today, republican Senator Marco Rubio said that he would have illegally immigrated to the United States if he had to. In response, Mitt Romney explained that this is the reason he will NOT hire Rubio as his Vice-Presidential running mate, nor as his landscaper.
- John Edwards’ mistress, Rielle Hunter, is releasing a new book detailing her affair with former Senator John Edwards. The book is titled, “Bumping Uglies With Hollow Suits and How It Can Score You a Book Deal”.