- Historians are saying that President Thomas Jefferson, if he were alive today, would not be a fan of many of President Barack Obama’s policies. However, historians are also saying that Thomas Jefferson would have loved Michelle Obama.
- The United States and Israeli military created a ‘Flame’ virus aimed at hacking Iran’s computers in an effort to curb Iran’s nuclear program. When asked why they chose cyber-warfare over an invasion, Israeli and United States military officials said, “ya know we wanted to hit ’em with something as inconvenient as a nuclear bomb, but without all that noise and burned flesh stank.”
- On this day in 1782, the United States Congress adopted the Great Seal of the United States. Lawmakers back then thought that calling it “The Great Seal” would symbolize a strong honest government. And what better way to symbolize strength and honesty than to call it a “Great Seal” when it is clearly not a seal, but only a flattened bird holding 13 arrows and a twigs from a bitter tree.
- Today, Republican Congressman Ron Paul admitted that even though he is on Social Security, he still believes it is unconstitutional. Congressman Paul also admitted that even though he likes getting head, he does not enjoy giving head.
- A new study shows that living in an area close to noisy traffic and loud honking car horns can lead to an increased heart risk. As a result, New York cabbies are starting to yell at each other, “GO FASTER AND FUCKING TURN ALREADY, OR ELSE MY HEART IS GOING TO BE AT RISK.”
- A Kansas Boy Scout accomplished the rare achievement of earning all 132 merit badges. After that, he was awarded a 133rd merit badge for being the biggest dork in his entire school.
- Deep fried cereal was recently unveiled at the San Diego County fair. And the advertising campaign for deep fried cereal is going to say, “Every morning at breakfast, you’re another day closer to death. But with deep fried cereal, you can bring yourself a just a little bit closer.”
- A man from California had to abandon his sailboat after it was struck by a whale and began to sink off the coast of Mexico. The man said that the whale got all agitated when he called out to the whale, “‘YO BLUBBER ASS, POSE FOR A PICTURE, WOULDYA?’.”
- Will Smith and his wife Jada Pinkett Smith appeared with Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton today to call on the media to pay more attention to the atrocities of human trafficking. But during the question and answer session afterward, reporters refused to ask any intelligent questions about human trafficking until Will Smith agreed to sing the Fresh Prince of Bel Air song.