President Barack Obama scolded Mitt Romney today, saying that “we have one President at a time”. Romney responded, “Barack, I’m a Mormon. You know I have no idea what ‘one at a time’ means.”
Actress Charlize Theron has shaved her head for her role in an upcoming film. The film she is starring in is a biopic titled, “Britney Spears: The Flipping Her Shit Years”.
Speaker of the House John Boehner has instructed Congressional republicans “not to gloat” if Obama’s health care law is overturned by the Supreme Court. Speaker Boehner continued to say that republicans may only gloat if they pass a law themselves before the year is over.
Congress finally passed the Farm Bill on Thursday. Lawmakers said the process of passing bills lately has been excruciatingly painful, embarrassing, and time consuming. As a result, Congress will start referring to bills as “Kidney stones”.
Inmates at Fulton County Jail in Atlanta are being asked by the guards to try to crack new locks on their cell doors. Guards have said that if the inmates can successfully break the locks to get out of their cells, they will get free food. Unbeknownst to the guards though, the inmates have made a pact that if they can crack the locks, they’re going to pretend the locks work, pass on the free food, and escape to their sweet sweet freedom.
Temperatures exceeding 100 degrees in New York have led to an Ice Cream shortage throughout the city. As a result, Department of Health officials in New York are reporting a spike in incidents of lactose intolerance.
Prince William is feeling a bit old since he turned 30 years old today. So in good English tradition, he assembled a team of savage explorers to find him the Fountain of Youth. But unlike the English explorers of the 1500s, Prince William’s team just went out to Home Depot and bought William a swingset and a FisherPrice throne.
Over $300,000 in donations have been made to console an elderly woman who was verbally harassed until she cried by middle schoolers on a bus she was chaperoning on. She says with the money, she plans to buy-off a couple of local politicians and get them to legalize the beating of little punk middle schoolers.
A double-leg amputee has climbed Mount Kilimanjaro by walking with only his hands. When asked for comment on this feat, cyclist Lance Armstrong said, “Wow, I gotta find out what kinda steroids he uses.”
The maker of Hebrew National Hot Dogs is being sued over allegations that their meat products are not 100% kosher. Mel Gibson chimed in on the issue and said, “oh you people are always looking for a reason to complain.”