- College Presidents approved adapting a playoff system for crowning the National Champion of Division 1 college football—which will help smaller schools get a shot at the title. The top reason for the change? The Presidents said that, “The Bowl Championship Series reminded them too much of Jerry Sandusky: old, manipulative, helpful to the big guys, yet abusive to the little guys.”
- Insiders at Mitt Romney’s campaign are saying that Romney and his strategy team are struggling with the issue of immigration. As a result, senior staff held an emergency meeting with the topic, “How to win someone’s approval while simultaneously chasing them out of the country with pitchforks and torches?”
- Law school grads are finding the job market to be extra difficult this summer—because not only are there no new jobs, but the law school grads are only now realizing just how much they always hated going to law school.
- Florida Governor Rick Scott has declared a State of Emergency as Tropical Storm Debby made landfall today. This is contrary to the advice given to him by former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, who said, “no need for alarm. Angry little storms never hurt anyone. Or displaced them from their homes. Or flooded a town. Or damaged the Super Dome.”
- Today is Michael Vick’s 32nd Birthday. Or in dog years, he is now 224.
- The tower in London known as “Big Ben” will be renamed Elizabeth, to honor the Queen. And at the same ceremony, the parking garage will be renamed Voldemort.
- A McDonalds in London that seats 1500 diners will open in the Olympic park— just in time for the summer games. Some are saying that McDonalds is hoping to sabotage non-American Olympians’ health, particularly because they are erecting signs that say “Third World Olympians Eat Here For Free”.
- Facebook has received lots of negative feedback after replacing all users’ email addresses with generic numerical email addresses on users’ profiles. Next up, Facebook plans to replace users’ profile pictures with a photo of Mark Zuckerberg smiling while burning money.
- A new study says that drinking coffee can lead to a healthier heart. Researchers say this is due to coffee drinkers spending many minutes per day waiting in line at Starbucks to avoid the stresses caused by actually working.