- President Obama’s Health Care Reform bill was upheld today in the US Supreme Court–in a 5-4 decision- with Chief Justice Roberts providing the swing vote. Chief Justice Roberts said that voting to uphold the constitutionality of Obama’s health care reform bill was payback for screwing up Obama’s oath of office at inauguration.
- Initially, CNN announced that the health care bill was struck down. Later, when they corrected the mistake, a CNN spokesman said that CNN’s goal was actually to beat Fox News at the race to produce the most false health care update first.
- Senator Rand Paul commented on the health care ruling by saying, “just because a couple people on the Supreme Court declare something to be ‘constitutional’ does not make it so. The whole thing remains unconstitutional…” Senator Paul also said that just because you are a US Senator, that doesn’t mean you’re educated or decent or able to form arguments that make any sense.
- Because of millions of Americans will now get health care and won’t have to leave the country, Canada will be abandoning plans to build their version of the statue of Liberty to welcome health care-seeking immigrants: a paler version of lady liberty holding a hockey stick in one hand, and punching someone’s teeth out in the other.
- The upholding of the health care law means that people cannot be denied coverage due to preexisting medical conditions. So even if you’re a morbidly obese Oxycontin addict that has some syndrome that keeps you from ever telling the truth on your lousy radio show, you can still get health care coverage.
- Nations around the world are be weighing in on the validity of their own mandatory health care laws. The Swiss supreme court ruled that, well, they don’t really care either way. But they will be happy to guard health care money for future generations at their trusty Swiss banks.In other news…
- Ancient human ancestors ate tree bark, according to a new study. It’s not as bad as it sounds, since at that time period in history, humans ate it with Heinz Tomato Ketchup and LSD.
- David Beckham failed to make the British Olympic soccer team. Instead, he will spend the duration of the Olympics doing what he’s good at: schtuping Spice Girls and giving himself buzzcuts.
- A bus tour of progressive nuns has sparked The Vatican to be concerned about “radical feminism”. Because if there are two things that The Vatican has a problem with, it’s critical thinking and women.