Late Night Jokes for July 3, 2012

  • Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are filing for divorce.  And later this week, Cruise will be visiting Oprah’s house, where he plans to jump around on her futon shouting, “I hate this woman!”
  • Former Presidential “candidate” Herman Cain is launching his own TV network—because who doesn’t want to hear what an egotistical pizza peddler has to say.  History books are now being re-written to say that the best way to land a TV deal in contemporary America is to pretend to run for President.
  • A man in Rhode Island won a $180,000 lottery the day after his son won a $1,000 lottery.  This story’s crazy, because I didn’t realize Don King was the lottery commissioner in Rhode Island.
  • The CEO or Research in Motion–the maker of Blackberry–has denied that the smartphone maker is “not in a death spiral”.  He continued to say, “iPhone is just kicking our ass in every category but volume of buttons.”
  • More than 300,000 people in West Virginia are without power following vicious storms over the weekend.  And for most of these West Virginians, it was just another manic Monday.
  • This week, Vice President Joe Biden said that “The GOP doesn’t respect teachers.”  And then to tangentially relate to teachers, Vice-President Biden told a story about how as a kid, he loved to throw his pencil in the ceiling tiles when his teacher wasn’t looking.  And then he explained about how how his favorite game as a 12-year old was to shout a muffled “PENIS” louder than his buddy on the other side of the classroom.
  • New Orleans Saints football coach Sean Payton and his wife have filed for divorce.  She said that Coach Payton kept offering to pay her large sums of money to beat up her friends at the country club.
And now for some history:
  • Mike Tyson turned 46 years old over the weekend.  However he returned the gift that his relatives got him:  a skin-graft.
  • On this day in 1985, July 3, Back to the Future was released.  And this week, Michael J Fox and Christopher Lloyd reunited on stage at a parkinsons convention—where they were joined by the actual Delorean time machine.  Soon after, Fox and Lloyd got in the car and drove back to September 11, 2011 and encouraged TSA employees to “search harder for boxcutters”.  And then they took a detour to 1961 in Hawaii, where they stole future President Obama’s birth certificate.  Doc remarked, “GREAT SCOTT!  IT’S REAL!”
  • It was Canada Day over the weekend.  And in the United States, it’s was a day where many conservatives contemplated actually moving to Canada—- due to the Supreme Court upholding Health Care Reform.  Little do they know, now the United States and Canada are Health Care TWINSIES!   So now conservatives are taking a page out of Mitt Romney’s playbook and considering taking their money and religion to Mexico.
  • The iPhone turned 5 years old over the weekend.  To celebrate, Siri kept repeating, “It’s my birthday and I’ll refuse reception if I want to.”
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