The Obama Campaign sent out a mass email with the subject line “Re: I will be out spent”. At that point, millions of elderly internet-using democrats thought to themselves, “I don’t remember emailing Barack Obama. Thank goodness he replied though. I better donate.”
A new study shows that sitting for less than 3-hours per day will add up to two years to your life. Because of this, thousands of baseball players are now prepping for a much shorter life.
Television ratings for this week’s Major League Baseball All-Star Game are expected to be at an all-time low. To create hype, the league will be legalizing steroids for one night only, to which players have decried, “But that’s the way we always play!”
An American tourist in Spain was gored at the annual “Running of the Bulls”. And because of this, investors on Wall Street were satisfied that they finally had a tangible bloody metaphor for the down-turning economy over the last five years.
Gender-based classroom segregation is on the rise in some public schools. Proponents are saying that they only changed the policies to reflect a growing concern of “girl/boy cooties” among 4-9 year olds.
Justin Bieber got pulled over for speeding in Los Angeles last week. Officers refused to cut the popstar a break despite the fact that Bieber was speeding away from 10,000 12- year-olds armed to the teeth with iPhone cameras.
Acquitted murderer/convicted armed robber OJ Simpson turned 65 years old yesterday. And since OJ is getting older, his prison mates have changed his nickname from “Juice” to “Prune Juice”.