- Tom Cruise turned 50 years old last week. At his birthday party, guests ate cake and placenta.
- President Obama is seeking a temporary extension for some of the Bush-Era tax cuts. To go along with this, President Obama will temporarily stop caring about New Orleans, and start taking a whole lot more vacations to his family ranch in Crawford, Texas.
- The Obama Campaign sent out a mass email with the subject line “Re: I will be out spent”. At that point, millions of elderly internet-using democrats thought to themselves, “I don’t remember emailing Barack Obama. Thank goodness he replied though. I better donate.”
- A new study shows that sitting for less than 3-hours per day will add up to two years to your life. Because of this, thousands of baseball players are now prepping for a much shorter life.
- Television ratings for this week’s Major League Baseball All-Star Game are expected to be at an all-time low. To create hype, the league will be legalizing steroids for one night only, to which players have decried, “But that’s the way we always play!”
- An American tourist in Spain was gored at the annual “Running of the Bulls”. And because of this, investors on Wall Street were satisfied that they finally had a tangible bloody metaphor for the down-turning economy over the last five years.
- Gender-based classroom segregation is on the rise in some public schools. Proponents are saying that they only changed the policies to reflect a growing concern of “girl/boy cooties” among 4-9 year olds.
- Justin Bieber got pulled over for speeding in Los Angeles last week. Officers refused to cut the popstar a break despite the fact that Bieber was speeding away from 10,000 12- year-olds armed to the teeth with iPhone cameras.
- Acquitted murderer/convicted armed robber OJ Simpson turned 65 years old yesterday. And since OJ is getting older, his prison mates have changed his nickname from “Juice” to “Prune Juice”.
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