Late Night Jokes for July 10, 2012

  • Tom Cruise turned 50 years old last week.  At his birthday party, guests ate cake and placenta.
  • The Obama Campaign sent out a mass email with the subject line “Re:  I will be out spent”.  At that point, millions of elderly internet-using democrats thought to themselves, “I don’t remember emailing Barack Obama.  Thank goodness he replied though.  I better donate.”
  • A new study shows that sitting for less than 3-hours per day will add up to two years to your life.   Because of this, thousands of baseball players are now prepping for a much shorter life.
  • Television ratings for this week’s Major League Baseball All-Star Game are expected to be at an all-time low.  To create hype, the league will be legalizing steroids for one night only, to which players have decried, “But that’s the way we always play!”
  • An American tourist in Spain was gored at the annual “Running of the Bulls”.  And because of this, investors on Wall Street were satisfied that they finally had a tangible bloody metaphor for the down-turning economy over the last five years.
  • Gender-based classroom segregation is on the rise in some public schools.  Proponents are saying that they only changed the policies to reflect a growing concern of “girl/boy cooties” among 4-9 year olds.
  • Justin Bieber got pulled over for speeding in Los Angeles last week.  Officers refused to cut the popstar a break despite the fact that Bieber was speeding away from 10,000 12- year-olds armed to the teeth with iPhone cameras.
  • Acquitted murderer/convicted armed robber OJ Simpson turned 65 years old yesterday.  And since OJ is getting older, his prison mates have changed his nickname from “Juice” to “Prune Juice”.
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