Late Night Jokes for July 11, 2012

  • American people’s confidence in TV news is at an all-time low.  People polled said the biggest reason they have little confidence in TV news is because their programming shares the same medium with societal derelicts like Snooki and Daniel Tosh. 
  • “Comedian” Daniel Tosh is under fire for telling a woman in the audience at one of his shows that she should “get raped by 5 guys”.  Tosh plans on using the footage of the exchange on his show, “Tosh.O”, where he will describe it as, “now watch as this not-funny mediawhore in skateboard shoes tries to tell a joke, oh and now here comes the part where he learns the hard way that comedy is more than just shock statements and guys getting hit in the balls with wifflebats…and now he realizes that he’s just an abyss of talent and a giant douche that’s only funny to frat guys.”
  • The Washington Monument is going to be fitted with a giant scaffolding to repair damage from 2011’s earthquake.  While many are excited to see that the Monument will be getting its needed repairs, Rick Santorum is upset because he’s concerned it will look like the National Mall is flanked by a phallus —wearing a no no balloon—a ribbed condom.  So giant phallus on National Mall = OK.  Ribbed condom on giant phallus on National Mall = problem for Rick Santorum.
  • Woody Guthrie, who penned the folk song, “This Land Is Your Land”, would have turned 100 years old this week.  An updated version of the song was recorded, with the lyrics to more accurately reflect the current times:  “This land is your land / you oil baron man / From your fields in Texas / to your paid-off Congressman”
  • Republican Congressman Allen West decried that “Social security is a form of slavery.”  In the same speech, he discussed that the main cause to the American Civil War was because citizens in the North and South kept forgetting what their nine-digit social security numbers were.
  • The University of Pittsburgh football team have recruited a placekicker that goes by the name, Chris Blewitt.  The Panthers also plan on signing a three-star quarterback named Jason Interceptionthrower, and a talented offensive lineman named Frank Illegalhandstotheface. 
  • In the Georgetown neighborhood of Washington DC, a cupcake company unveiled a vending machine that vends fresh cupcakes.  First Lady Michelle Obama weighed in on this saying, “I think you’re taking a very loose interpretation of my orders to have vending machines that sell fresh foods—and for crying out loud, pink frosting is NOT a fruit!” 
  • MSNBC is reporting on a Texas Christian University study which says that when the economy gets bad, women tend to “dress to impress” more.  MSNBC also said that when the economy gets bad, MSNBC reports about irredeemable studies that don’t help the economy. 
  • A judge in Mississippi has issued an order to allow the state’s only abortion clinic to stay open.  The judge’s order kept the state of Mississippi being added to AAA’s list of “worst states to drunkenly hook up in”.
  • A conservative values organization is announcing that their members are boycotting Google for it’s “Legalize Love” campaign—which advocates for gay marriage rights.  The boycotters say that when they have a question that needs answering, instead of Google, they will turn to the old-fashioned way of getting information:  taking a trip to the library and checking out a copy of the Bible.  “Mom, according to this book, the nearest Wal-Mart is in Nazareth.  I guess I’ll just have you trim my mullet at home again…”

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