- A Penn State-funded investigation report was released today detailing how Penn State officials put the reputation of the school ahead of protecting Jerry Sandusky’s victims. When asked why they funded an investigation that could expose their faults, Penn State officials said, “we thought it would be good for our reputation!” And then they winked.
- Daniel Tosh issued an apology for telling a female audience member, “Wouldn’t it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now”. To commend his apology, Tosh was offered a new job as an assistant coach on the Penn State football team.
- Yahoo is reporting that their website was hacked, leading to over 400,000 passwords being exposed. To make matters worse, the 1/3 of all the hacked passwords were some variation of “BigFatTitties666”.
- An ex-CIA agent is now saying that the alien spaceship landing at Roswell New Mexico actually happened. The ex-CIA agent apparently broke his silence after discovering ALF reruns on Netflix.
- Politicians will be banned from participating at this year’s 9/11 memorial ceremony at Ground Zero. However, politicians are still welcome to exploit the tragedy for political gain in 2013.
- Charlie Sheen has announced that he wants to replace Steven Tyler as a judge on American Idol, because how serendipitous would it be to have talent be judged by a coke head with no talent.
- The republican-controlled House of Representatives voted for the 33rd time to repeal the Health Care Reform Law. With thirty three consecutive failed bouts at their top goal, the House of Representatives has earned itself a new nickname: the Chicago Cubs.
- Retail giant Target is refusing to sell copies of gay R&B singer Frank Ocean’s debut album, “Channel Orange”. Target insisted that this wasn’t because they donate to homophobic politicians, but because they want to only sell music by model citizens like Kid Rock and Chris Brown.