Late Night Jokes for July 16, 2012

  • 39-year-old NBA star Jason Kidd got a DUI after drunkenly crashing his car into a utility pole.  Kidd said he was just testing the media to see if he is still relevant.
  • Ferry Rides across the East River in New York City topped 1 Million last year.  However, ferry ride passenger numbers have dropped for the route from Manhattan across the Hudson river, because when you do that, you end up in New Jersey.
  • A new iPhone Case called the “Yellow Jacket” doubles as a stun gun.  Their slogan is “Don’t Text Me, Bro!  Tase Me!”
  • A man in Oklahoma City spent his birthday handing out $5 bills to 65 random people on a street corner.  He said he handed out the money  because people kept telling him bad stories, so he offered a proper ending to them, “and then a random dude gave me $5.”
  • A new study shows that athletes that get adequate sleep before competition perform much better at their sport.  As a result, the Penn State football program ordered 10 spanking-new beds for their locker room.  Maybe not the best figure of speech for this fact…?
  • At an outdoor concert in London last night, Bruce Springsteen and Sir Paul McCartney were singing on stage together when authorities cut the power mid-song.  Although officially, power was cut because of curfew and noise ordinance violations, it was actually due to the fact that Springsteen and McCartney were subjecting the crowd to listen to one of their crappy new songs no one buys.
  • Jennifer Lopez is leaving her position as a judge on “American Idol”.  Fox advertised the job opening for Lopez’ replacement with posting headline, “Plutocratic production company of unoriginal programming seeking judgmental diva to fill Jennifer Lopez’ ass-groove at the judges table for one season before fading back into obscurity.  Salary to commiserate with experience”.
  • President Obama said in an interview that his greatest failure as President has been not being able to turn policy-making into a clearer story for citizens to absorb.   The President’s vague words were then translated for the simple minded:    “it’s easy to tell nice fairy tale lies lustering-up the sad state of American affairs when  you’re a republican–because facts are always on your side when you have no problem just making them up to scare people and spite the President.”
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