Late Night Jokes for July 24, 2012

  • Mitt Romney is excited about the upcoming Olympics in London next week.  Romney said he loves to see foreign people doing the same hard work American athletes do overseas.
  • When asked if he had any regrets about following Trayvon Martin and killing him, George Zimmerman responded, “No, it was all God’s plan.”   When Zimmerman’s lawyer was asked if his client’s comments were indeed true, the attorney said, “Yes it’s true, my client is a murderer AND a total dumbass.”
  • A new study shows that older people who use Twitter are less likely to be depressed.  So the key to eternal happiness is figuring out how to complain about your tapioca pudding in 140 characters.
  • Rapper Snoop Dogg is making his debut reggae album under the name “Snoop Lion”.   Snoop has announced his planned monikers for future albums:

Country:  Snoop Possum

Jazz:  Snoop Cat

Classical String Quartet:  Snoop Caviar

  • The standoff between DirecTV and Viacom has ended, bringing Comedy Central and Nickelodeon back to millions of TV viewers.  Many of the viewers were relieved at the end of the standoff, because to pass the time, they almost considered reading a book.
  • Sir Elton John praised former President George W. Bush for the work he did to fight AIDS.  The former President was flattered by the praise, and said, “Thanks Elton, and I always loved your work in The Beatles.”
  • A “Fifty Shades of Grey” furniture line is being produced.  One item will be a lazy-boy chair built so cheaply in America that you’re guaranteed to get hurt trying to adjust it.
  • Joe Paterno’s record of wins since 1998 was wiped from the record books by NCAA officials.  This isn’t the first time in the past 10 years that someone had to wipe Joe Paterno.
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