- NFL training camp begins this week, and nobody has heard a word from Brett Favre. This means that there’s still an 80% chance he will consider coming out of retirement, just to feel like his old indecisive media-whore self again.
- A new poll is showing that women in Ohio are disappointed with Obama, and distrustful of Romney. What they would really like is a President who can get them the hell out of the great indecisive state of Ohio.
- GOP Congressmen have blasted the Pentagon for allowing servicemen to appear in uniform while marching in gay pride parades. Because if there’s anything GOP Congressmen can’t stand, it’s seeing the troops marching happily back home in America.
- North Korean leader Kim Jong Un got married this week. On his Bed Bath and Beyond registry, he listed “suede suits” and “absolute power”.
- A children’s hospital in London is requiring its window washers to dress as superheroes to excite the young hospitalized patients. When asked how it feels to brighten up so many kids’ days, a window washer, clad in a Spiderman outfit said, “Minimum wage, forced dress-code, barely cheating death to wash birdshit off windows? Yeah, feeling like a real hero. Thanks for asking.”
- Today marks the 144th anniversary of the addition of the state of Wyoming to the United States. There’s no punchline, when the hell else are we going to talk about Wyoming?
- Actor Russell Brand was charged with a misdemeanor in the city of New Orleans this week. The district attorney says Brand was placed under arrest after just…being… himself.
- The Mayor of Boston has written a furious letter to fast food restaurant Chick-Fil-A telling them that they are unwelcome to open up a restaurant in Boston due to their anti-Gay views. The Mayor also noted that everyone with a Boston accent will pronounce it “Chick-Fil-Ahhhhh”, which manages to somehow sound even dumber than “Chick-Fil-A”.
- A study shows that iPhone users have had 2-4 more sex partners than users of any other phone. And the phone user with the lowest number of sex partners: rotary telephone users. Sorry grandma. The study also reports that iPhone users are 10 times more likely to use their phone while sitting on the toilet. [holds iPhone out] Here, can you hold this for me?