Late Night Jokes for July 30, 2012

  • Today, a mass-email was sent out by Vice President Biden soliciting fundraising dollars for the Obama/Biden campaign, which might be out-raised by Romney for the third-straight month.   In the email, Biden said, “okay, so which one of my buddies do I have to accidental shoot in the face to earn a second term as Vice President?”
  • In a weekend interview, former Vice President Dick Cheney took credit for President Obama’s tracking down and killing Bin Laden.  Cheney said Bin Laden was killed due to strategic programs that had been in place since the Bush-Cheney administration, which according to that logic, is the same reason the economy is still in shambles.
  • Ratings for Olympic rowing have been down.  Viewers have been complaining that the sport reminds them too much of the Winkelevi from “The Social Network”
  • At the opening ceremony for the London Olympics, Queen Elizabeth set a world record for most continuous scowling by a Corgi owner.
  • Over the weekend, Michael Phelps finished his first Olympic swimming race without a medal for the first time since the 2000 games in Sydney.   Visibly upset, Phelps was then seen wiping his disappointed tears away with one of his six hundred gold medals.
  • A statistical study shows that the least popular birthday of the year is Christmas Day—December 25th.   From that, the average conception date proves that nobody ever gets laid after going to a March Madness Basketball party.
  • Debris from a Boeing 787 engine supposedly fell to the ground and started a fire in South Carolina today.  Officials are trying to figure out whether it was actually a Boeing 787 or if Superman went for a quick flight to fart off some bad Taco Bell.
  • Amazon’s Founder Jeff Bezos pledged $2.5 Million in support of same-sex marriage.  As a result, book sales are rising at Ma and Pa bookstores in white trash towns across America.
  • 65 Years ago this past weekend, the worlds first computer, ENIAC was unveiled—and it was so large, it took up an entire building.  This comes in contrast to the portable iPhones of today, which may only take up the palm of your hand, but they also manage to take up the entire conversation at the dinner table.
  • Dark Knight Rises director Christopher Nolan had his 42nd birthday today.  To celebrate, he had a 20-minute long garbage truck chase that trashed all of Chicago.
  • Today is the 47th anniversary of President Lyndon Johnson signing the Social Security Act of 1965.  To celebrate this occasion, Mitt Romney continued talking about how if elected President, he plans to use the Social Security Act to wipe his frightened dog’s ass.

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