Late Night Jokes for July 31, 2012

  • Today, social media outlets revealed long before NBC could air primetime TV footage that Michael Phelps set the record for most individual medals at the Olympics.  And now for a few other spoilers:  Batman goes down on Catwoman in Dark Knight Rises, and Mitt Romney will spend tomorrow being a total douchebag.
  • Mitt Romney went to Israel this week and placed a prayer in the Western Wall.  Later in the day, Romney revealed the contents of his prayer:  “Dear God, please bring me more Jewish donors this quarter.  If you don’t, I’ll throw a tantrum until you do.  Best, Mitchell.”
  • Porn star Ron Jeremy says that although he’s voting for Obama, he thinks Romney is a “good man”.  Jeremy also noted that since Romney has 5 children and Obama only 2, Romney therefore has more proof of sex-experience than Obama.
  • A bill written by GOP Congressmen had an egregious typo: mistaking the word “employment” for “unemployment”.  Also in the bill, the GOP accidentally refer to women as “men with pre-existing conditions”.
  • A mosaic of 20,000 cupcakes was made in Singapore today, setting a world record.  Written in the cupcake mosaic it read, “Wasting Food is More Fun than Eliminating World Hunger”.
  • Actor Cuba Gooding Jr. is wanted for arrest after shoving a bartender last night.  Gooding claims he didn’t assault anyone, he was just getting carried away with reenacting his Academy Award acceptance speech.
  • Research is being done to link certain bad breaths with health aliments like liver disease and lung cancer.  Progress is being made, as researchers have already proven that if your breath smells like garlic and industrial pasta, you likely have an addiction to The Olive Garden.
  • Jewish communities throughout Europe are gathering together to coordinate the fight to keep circumcision legal.  Excluded from the discussions will be all 8-day-old unnamed Jewish boys—all of whom have the most to lose in the debate.

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