Late Night Jokes for August 1, 2012

  • The birth control mandate to the health care reform law took effect today, allowing for many women to get access to free contraception.  This has enraged many employers saying that it violates their religious views.  More specifically, all of the opponents of the birth control mandate happen to be members of the same religion, the Church of Men and Women who Hate Women.
  • Republican Congressman Mike Kelly today compared the birth control mandate from the Health Care Reform law to the Attack on Pearl Harbor and September 11th.  To go along with Congressman Kelly’s historical allusions, the President today declared war on stupid Congressmen that shouldn’t be allowed to touch a microphone ever again.
  • Today was Chick-Fil-A appreciation day.  The silver lining to it all is that many homophobic jerks were punished with a hearty case of diarrhea.
  • According to a new Gallup poll, 54% of Americans said they would vote for a well-qualified Atheist President.  And instead of saying “God Bless America”, the respondents suggested a few other slogans for politicians to end speeches:

Good Luck Everyone!
There is no God, Only Zuul.
Remember to brush your teeth tonight!
Spade and neuter your pets.
America, Frick Yeah!
Spaghetti-Monster Bless America!
Hakuna Matata!
Take care of yourself, and each other.  I’m Jerry Springer.

  • August 1st is “Star Spangled Banner” composer Francis Scott Key’s birthday.  It is very likely that today, a boring, sad mundane celebration probably happened somewhere to commemorate this, which is fitting since the national anthem a boring, sad, mundane song.
  • Today Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte beat Michael Phelps in yet another event at the Olympic games.  In responding to questions about his sub-par performance this week, Phelps said, “Let’s not blame this on the weed.  I got high before every race in Beijing.”
  • A new study shows strong evidence linking the relieving of stress and forcing a hearty wide-eyed smile.  Doctors warn, though, a bug-eyed grin won’t work in all instances of stress, such as getting cornered by a hungry bear, or telling your boss the truth about why you were late for work again.
  • This fall, all Facebook users will be forced to convert their profiles to the controversial “Timeline” style.  Facebook says this will only be inconvenient if you had a really fun time in college and have now ended up working for a conniving duplicitous snooping employer.
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