Late Night Jokes for October 2, 2012

  • Last week, there was a Miss Bum Brazil pageant, in which contestants were rated based on how attractive their butt was.  The contest was a tie, however, with 14 Million first place winners.
  • The fashion world is shocked to see that singer Miley Cyrus chopped off her hair, with shorn sides and a shaggy platinum-blonde top.   Miley Cyrus’ father, Billy Ray Cyrus, refrained from passing judgement for fear of being haunted by his achy-breaky mullet.
  • The journalism school at Emory University in Atlanta is shutting down.  The university plans to replace the journalism program with the Emory University School of Making Up Bullshit and Stirring Outrage on Blogs and Comment Threads.
  • Republican Michele Bachmann showed up at a northern Chicago Synagogue on the eve of Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year for Jews—a faith in which Bachmann does not follow.  Many congregants, in protest of the conservative republican’s surprise attendance, left the service.  When asked why she showed up to the Jewish service, Bachmann said, “it was only a fact-finding mission to see if I should use the Jews as my 2016 campaign’s scapegoat.”
  • Vice-Presidential candidate Paul Ryan today said that only 70% of Americans want the American Dream.  He then noted that  by November, 100% of Americans will know that anything that involves Paul Ryan and numbers is a well-chiseled blue-eyed lie.
  • For Wednesday’s Presidential debate, a coin toss will determine which candidate will speak first.  This comes as a setback for Obama, who preferred a mid-court jump-ball instead.  He would have won too.
  • A day before the Presidential debate in Denver, former Denver Broncos quarterback John Elway spoke in support of Mitt Romney.  Romney said of John Elway, I really loved his song “Take Me Home, Country Roads”
  • Arnold Schwartzenegger revealed that he had an affair with actress Bridgette Nielson while she was dating Sylvester Stallone in the 1980s.  Schwartzenegger noted that this was not the last time he would screw the middle class.
  • Reese Witherspoon had her third child last week, and named him Tennessee.  Witherspoon and her husband picked Tennessee out of a list of several other obscure baby names: Newmexico, and Reese Witherspoon Jr.
  • A new study shows that oral sex can cure morning sickness in pregnant women.  The study was conducted by surveying about 2000 very relaxed, smiling fathers-to-be.
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