- Mitt Romney threw PBS and Big Bird under the bus last week at the first Presidential debate. When asked for comment, the Romney campaign said, “Mitt didn’t throw Big Bird under the bus, he just wants to tie him to the roof of his car.”
- After last week’s Presidential debate, Barack Obama started to slip in the polls in swing states. As a result, the Obama campaign will be running a series of ads in those states featuring video of him defiling Osama bin Laden’s body before throwing it out to sea.
- Facebook surpassed 1 billion users recently. This means that there are 6 billion people on this planet who still live in a world free from any ties to their exes and elementary school nemeses.
- A new study says that men run faster in marathons when they know attractive women are present. To capitalize off these findings, Nike plans on marketing their new line of “boner-proof sweatpants.”
- The final season of Jersey Shore premiered last week. I hate to spoil the end, but on the last episode, everyone in the cast dies in a bar-fight amongst each other, over each other.
- Al Pacino is set to star in a biopic movie about Joe Paterno. The movie is going to be called Scent of an Asshole.
- It was Columbus Day this week. These days, text books are refraining from saying that Columbus DISCOVERED America, but rather he was the first of his LinkedIn connections to know about it.
- It was also Canadian Thanksgiving this week. It’s just like the United States’ Thanksgiving, except when a fist-fight breaks out at the Thanksgiving dinner table in Canada, everyone in the family is guaranteed free health care.
- Hulk Hogan is in the news due to a leaked sex tape of him circulating the internet. I’ve seen the tape, it has a lot of blonde hair and saggy tits. But the woman Hulk was boning was pretty cute.