Late Night Jokes for October 11, 2012

  • It’s getting cold outside on the east coast.  This is the time of year when many of us say, “Did I really wear this ugly ass jacket all last winter?”
  • The Space Shuttle Endeavour is going to drive through the streets of Inglewood, California en route to its permanent display location.  So at this time tomorrow, we will be reporting on the injuries of 5 NASA employees in a drive by shooting.
  • A Hong Kong couple paid $2.2 million in college guidance fees for their kid to get into Harvard.  Their kid’s application was rejected admission.  Mitt Romney released a statement saying, “It’s a shame when the American dream of having your parents buy your way to prosperity can’t be fulfilled.”
  • It’s national “Coming Out Day”.  And today, professional boxer Orlando Cruz came out as openly gay.  While this is good news for many reasons, it basically ensures that Cruz will be likely harassed by some drunk homophobe—who in turn will get his lights knocked out by Cruz.
  • Vice President Biden was challenged by Congressman Paul Ryan in the Vice Presidential debate tonight.  When Ryan walked onto the stage, Biden said to Ryan, “Holy shit, Sarah Palin, you look like you fell down a flight of stairs.”
  • Representative Scott DeJarlais, a republican from Tennessee is coming under scrutiny for having urged a mistress —a patient of his when he was a full time doctor– to get an abortion—while also championing anti-abortion legislation in Congress.  There is no punch line, this guy is just a colossal asshole.
  • A new study shows that morning workouts might curb excessive eating.  So it turns out that sleeping through your alarm and sprinting for the bus to work is actually good for your health.
  • Archaeologists have said they discovered the exact place where Julius Caesar was stabbed to death by Brutus.  This means that we will find out the truth about the JFK assassination in the year 4020.
  • The National Zoo revealed today that the cause of death for the baby Panda recently was due to lung and liver damage.  In conclusion, the baby Panda spent its few days on Earth getting nursed by Charlie Sheen.
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