October 23, 2012
Late Night Jokes for October 23, 2012
- Monday night featured the final Presidential debate of 2012. This could tip the last of the remaining undecided voters to vote for either Obama or Romney. And by undecided voters, we really just mean “attention-seeking”.
- President Obama discussed his plans for encouraging entrepreneurship and investment in manufacturing when dealing with rebuilding democracy in Egypt. He looked at the camera and said, “Hey Egypt, you may have built the Pyramids, but the USA will show you how to make crappy cars and 30 flavors of Rice-a-Roni.”
- Mitt Romney announced his plan for Israel at the foreign policy debate. He had three words: binders of Israelis.
- The final Presidential debate was held in Boca Raton, Florida. Boca residents are identifying much more with President Obama than they did four years ago, which may or may not have something to do with the President’s 50 shades of grey hair.
- The topic of the final Presidential debate was foreign policy—or as Mitt Romney calls it, “visiting the factory floor”.
- Many people watching the final Presidential debate made more commentary about the color patterns on the ties the candidates wore, rather than their actual policy positions. In fact, Fox News reported that President Obama showed up to the debates wearing a tie that says, “I <3 France”.
- The moderator for the third Presidential debate, Bob Schieffer, accidentally referred to Bin Laden as “Obama Bin Laden”. He made up for it though, referring to Mitt Romney as “Tits Romney.”
- Mitt Romney says attacking Iran is a last resort for the United States. What he really meant to say is that he’s the last guy to advise about Iran, and he’d rather just hang out at a Cayman resort.
- When discussing the perils of unemployment in America, Romney mentioned a recent college graduate in Philadelphia who can’t find a job. What Romney neglected to mention is that the reason college grad is unemployed is because he majored in History.
- U.S. boys are hitting puberty earlier than usual. In a related story, parents of 11-year-old boys are reporting a 20% increase in semen on the home computer keyboards.
- The FDA is probing a number of recent deaths which may have been caused by the energy drink Monster. The FDA says it wasn’t so much the high caffeine and sugar content, but likely the shitty taste that killed them.
- Archaeologists discovered what might be a Swedish Stonehenge. They say it looks just like the Stonehenge in England, except it’s surrounded by remnants of ancient Ikea furniture and meatballs.
- Researchers at the National Marine Mammal Foundation have discovered that Beluga whales attempt to mimic human speech when exposed to it. They also concluded that the Beluga whale’s speech is, in turn, mimicked by Honey Boo Boo.