Late Night Jokes for October 24, 2012

  • McDonalds is now producing short films showcasing how their food is cultivated and created.  The fast food chain hopes to prove that customers will still keep stuffing their fat addicted faces with Big Macs, no matter how much rat and raccoon meat is involved.
  • Speaking of buying brand name shit, Apple unveiled its iPad Mini today.  Apple said they hope this is the diversion they need to shoo away any investigative press about their wickedly helpful Maps app.
  • There were a few alternative names for the iPad Mini that Apple chose not to use:
    • Kickass Kindle Killer (KKK)
    • iPadFetus
    • iTamPad
    • Jeremy Piven
  • A judge has ruled that Jay Z and Beyoncé are not allowed to trademark their kid’s name, Blue Ivy.  The judge said it’s not necessary because no one else will name their dumb kid “Blue Ivy”.
  • At England’s Dampson Dene Hotel, the complimentary Holy Bibles have been replaced with copies of 50 Shades of Grey.  This has been confusing to some religious guests, who have mistakenly begun their morning prayers with phrases like, “In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, spank my ass with your leathery claws.  Amen.”
  • Ann Coulter is in the news again for using the R word to insult President Barack Obama during last night’s debate.  In response, a Special Olympics spokesman called Ann Coulter another vile epithet:  Ann Coulter.
  • Piedmont High School in northern California is coming under fire after it was revealed that varsity athletes have been organizing a “fantasy slut league”.  The school is concerned because the athletes could be moving on to other scandalous activities, like doing their own homework.
  • A man in North Carolina has been caught selling millions of dollars worth of counterfeit Chinese airbags.  As a result, he was just offered a job at Bain & Company.
  • A poll shows that if countries of the world had to pick the US President, Obama would win in a landslide.  This includes China, where Mitt Romney has been a pioneer of job growth for decades.
  • On Wednesday, celebrity Donald Trump will be announcing what he says is a damning revelation that is vital to the Untied States in the upcoming election.  And that revelation is that somehow, American people are still unfortunately listening to what this bald money-burning hack Trump has to say.
  • Indiana Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock said at a debate last night that, “Life is that gift from God. And, I think, even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen.”  God released a statement countering Mourdock’s comments, saying “I did NOT intend for rape to happen, but I DID intend to make Richard Mourdock for the sole purpose of seeing how dumb I can make a human.”

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