- Republican Vice Presiential nominee Paul Ryan suggested today that in order to reduce poverty in America, we should cut government programs that reduce poverty. After his speech, he had sex with his wife in the hopes that she would somehow become a virgin again.
- Donald Trump’s anticipated “big damning news” about President Obama turned out to be a $5 Million charity bounty for any person that can produce Obama’s passport application and college transcripts. To counteract this, concerned citizens are going to raise $5 to shove a dirty pair of socks in Trump’s mouth.
- Pop singer Adele’s new song “Skyfall”, the theme to the next James Bond film, made actor Daniel Craig cry. Apparently the lyrics are,
You suck, Daniel / You ain’t Sean Connery /Skyfall ain’t Goldfinger / Your movies are forgettable / and so are you / Skyfall.
- An anti-Gay activist is in the news for appearing on CNN and berating schools for encouraging “diversity lunches”—-where students are asked to sit with someone they don’t normally sit with. In response to the anti-Gay activist’s hostile views, schools will also be adopting a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy…where you can’t ASK if someone’s an anti-Gay asshole, but you’re required to berate them if they TELL you something anti-Gay.
- The federal government is attempting to seize the location records of T-Mobile cell phone users—even ones who aren’t suspected of committing crimes. Optimists see this as a great opportunity to tell your significant other you’ve been cheating on them…before the government confirms it for you.
- It has been revealed that Mitt Romney uses the word “gosh” quite often. He also once told Barack Obama to “go fudge himself” and “see you in heck”.
- Romney’s son Tagg approached President Obama after debate three and apologized for saying he wanted to smack him. Obama responded, “that’s okay, I figure any kind of tag—name tag, clothing tag, Tagg Romney—tags will always be small, annoying, and irrelevant.”
- President Obama appeared on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno last night. Leno warned the President, “Take my advice: although it’s cool to get a second shot at a job you love, you’ll inevitably suck at it and all your fans will eventually hate you.”
- A new study shows that Facebook is barely beating Twitter in popularity amongst teens. Rounding out the top 5 most popular sites for teens:
3) Various porn sites
4) Craigslist For Sale:automatic guns
- Curators of a Pablo Picasso art collection have discovered hidden paintings behind Picasso’s canvas. One of the hidden paintings had a self-portrait of Picasso holding a sign that said, “Da Vinci Sucks”.
- Former Bush adminisitration Secretary of State, General Colon Powell, has broken with party lines and endorsed Barack Obama for the second time as President. General Powell then retroactively endorsed Al Gore as President from 2000-2008.