Late Night Jokes for November 2, 2012

  • Many celebrities went out partying around Los Angeles in costume for Halloween.  Lindsey Lohan dressed as a luxury car wrapped around a tree.
  • Lance Armstrong is being investigated by the International Olympic Committee, who is now disputing the validity of his bronze medal at the 2000 Olympics.  But even if Armstrong gets stripped of his medal, it’ll be useless because he traded it to Barry Bonds in exchange for steroids years ago.
  • Mitt Romney staged a fundraiser in Cleveland for Hurricane Sandy victims.   The campaign went out and bought supplies and staged photographs of Romney accessorizing the goods.  This PR nightmare could have been worse, though:  there could have been a banner in the background that read “Mission: Accomplished.”
  • In the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, Atlantic City, New Jersey is now trashed.  But this is an improvement from what it used to be:   trashy.
  • In an errant email sent out to his email list, Newt Gingrich not only said with certainty that Barack Obama will win re-election, but that he will likely win re-election in 2016 and 2020.  However the Constitution forbids anyone from being elected to more than two terms as President.  This wasn’t the only error Gingrich made in the email:  he also warned his email list that in his third term, Obama will repeal the 69th amendment to the Constitution that forbids Abortion in all 50 states.
  • The disgraced FEMA director for the Bush Administration, Michael Brown, criticized President Obama for his quick disaster relief response.  Brown argued that you can’t jump to a conclusion that New York and New Jersey are official disaster areas until you let the residents attempt to you know….fend for themselves for a few days in the water.
  • The Journal of Caffeine Research has concluded that 2-4 cups of coffee per day should be the absolute maximum for a healthy adult.  The study was released after the researchers stayed up all night drinking Red Bull writing their press release.
  • San Francisco police are looking for a man caught on film destroying a $1 Million city bus during a Giants World Series celebration.  The real surprise here is that a big ugly city bus is worth $1 Million.
  • University of Michigan student athletes all signed a new social media policy in an effort by the school to prevent controversial tweets and postings that could lead to NCAA sanctions.  As a reward for signing the social media policy, all student athletes were given their own personal nerd to take their tests and quizzes for them.
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