Late Night Jokes for November 4, 2012

  • Kelsey Grammar brought his 3 month old daughter to a party at the Playboy mansion because he said he couldn’t find a babysitter.  Hugh Heffner was thrilled about this, though, because for the first time, he wasn’t the only incontinent person at the mansion wearing diapers.
  • Singapore Airlines is discontinuing the world’s longest nonstop commercial flight— Newark to Singapore in 18 hours.  The real winners here are the planes themselves, who if they could speak would say, “Hell yeah, that shit was tiring.”
  • A company is manufacturing stencils to assist consumers with carving pornographic pumpkins.  The same company is rumored to be the ones distributing devices that help you burn images of Jesus into your french toast.
  • The house used on Jersey Shore was perfectly intact after the ferocious Hurricane Sandy.  So it turns out that all it takes to protect your home in a Hurricane is hair gel, spilled grey goose, and semen stains.
  • The laptop used by Bill Clinton when he was President is up for auction.  The device is completely unchanged from when Clinton last used it…right down to the desktop background image of Monica Lewinsky riding a mechanical bull.
  • A Marijuana Party candidate is running for US Senate from Vermont.  Their top spokesman said the biggest obstacle to winning is preventing their base voters from forgetting to get off their futon to vote.
  • The White House Halloween party was canceled last week.  The Secret Service was concerned that several tea party republican Congressmen would show up dressed as ghosts —wearing only white bed sheets and hoods.
  • Republicans in Ohio are airing TV ads aimed at the black community.  The gist is, “Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves, Abraham Lincoln was a republican.  You should vote for Mitt Romney…He’s a republican like Lincoln.”  When asked for comment on this ad, Romney said he would outsource all slavery to China.
  • Republicans are unhappy with republican Governor Chris Christie, because he gave much praise to President Obama for his handling of Hurricane Sandy aftermath.  As a result, republican operatives will be putting together a breakout session at their next convention called, “How to Exploit National Tragedies and Stop Cooperating for Political Gain.”
  • Billionaire owner of the Dallas Mavericks Mark Cuban said, “I would vote for Mitt Romney if he were a democrat.”  Cuban then said, “I would go down on Mitt Romney—- if he were an sexy escort with a bag of Colombian blow hanging from her crotch.”
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