- Today is election day—the day when we decide whether for the next four years, comedians will continue to kiss the President’s ass, or harangue Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan and Secretary of State Michele Bachmann.
- The voters will be deciding whether it’s fun to have Joe Biden as our drunk lunatic uncle, or if it’s arousing to stare into Paul Ryan’s demonic blue eyes.
- That’s right, today is election day. Or as Al Gore calls it, “Fuck You, Florida” Day.
- If Barack Obama gets re-elected, I make a pledge that I will go streaking. In my studio apartment for sure. Beyond that, to be determined.
- Every ballot in America has the option to write-in a candidate. As a result, many unfunny dorks are looking forward to casting a vote for R2-D2 and Batman.
- Americans are excited that once the election is over, there will be no more annoying political advertisements. So come Wednesday, we’ll all go back to craving Taco Bell and Doritos between segments of Glee.
- Clocks across America were set back one hour early Sunday morning. Mitt Romney suggested that he will get rid of the time change if elected President. He cites that “in China, there’s only one time zone for the whole country…and all my employees there think that’s fine and dandy.”
- The election might not even be certified until the wee hours of Wednesday morning. This isn’t too bad, because Barack and Michelle prefer to have victory sex at the crack of dawn.
- Paul Ryan spent Sunday afternoon at a Green Bay Packers game tailgating with some of Romney’s sons. It was a new experience for the Romney boys, because they had never had to walk in a parking lot before.
In other news…
- The New York City Marathon was canceled a day before the race last week—leaving many runners livid. However, for many of these dejected marathoners, this wasn’t the first time in the last year that they shit their pants.
- Boy Meets World will be returning to TV soon—with actors from the original cast playing their older selves. Let this be a lesson to the unemployed out there: Just ask your first employer if you can return to the job you had when you were 13 years old.