- The Presidential campaigns are finally over. And now Americans can get back to deciding what really matters: should I get fries or a fruit cup with my bacon cheeseburger at TGI Fridays?
- On election day, President Obama quelled his nerves by playing a game of pick-up basketball. Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney went back to his roots as a Winter Olympics executive and rode a bobsled down Pennsylvania Avenue. You should have seen him feign a Jamaican accent.
- At the final rally for Obama this week, rapper Jay-Z sang alternate lyrics to a song, singing, “I Got 99 Problems But a Mitt Ain’t One“. Once again, not to be outdone, Mitt Romney had country rapper Kid Rock do the same, by singing “Barack Obama da bang da bang diggy diggy diggy said the boogie said up jump the election!”
- In celebration of his re-election, President Obama said he will be going on a victory tour through Chicago, Las Vegas, New York, Panama City, Toronto, and Waikiki—where he plans to have hot sweaty victory sex with Michelle in every single Donald Trump Hotel in the western Hemisphere.
- As election winners are declared, every victory speech will inevitably have the following line of over-done prose: “There are no red states, there are no blue states, there’s only the United States.” What they should really say is, “there’s no red states. There’s no blue states. There is only a delusional state, to all of you who think the republicans will consider compromising on anything over the next 4 years.”
- President Obama joked in his victory speech that his daughters would not be getting another dog. And at his own concession speech, Mitt Romney generously offered to take Obama’s dog Bo for a little ride on his station wagon.
- Mitt Romney won the support of most men, people over age 45, and married women. In politics this is called the “pre-menopausal khakis demographic.”
- In the fallout of the plethora of losses for Senate republicans, they admitted that Senate republicans “pissed off a lot of minorities” in the latest campaign. But this didn’t stop a few Senators from admitting that they actually enjoyed the election of Barack Obama in 2008—- because that meant there were no more minorities in the Senate.
- Students at the University of Mississippi started a riot and several fires on campus to smite Barack Obama’s reelection as President. The Chancellor of Ole Miss had a mixed reaction to the violence, however, saying that “The riots are proof that the students are indeed keeping up with the news in the midst of football season.”
- Many key figures in the election announced how they planned to spend the Wednesday after the election:
President Barack Obama:
“Having hot sweaty passionate victory sex with ma belle, Michelle.”
Vice President Joe Biden:
“Making crude innuendos at the President after intentionally walking in on him having hot sweaty passionate victory sex with his boner of the month wife Michelle.”
“Creating a Monster.com profile so I can go back to work for the first time since 2002.”
“Avoiding eye contact with Karl Rove. Man, that white devil’s not gonna wanna talk to me for a while.”
“Working on writing a trite hit song to inspire the victims of Hurricane Sandy. And by inspire, I of course mean exploit.”
“At Home Depot buying a piece of paper, a pen, a foot stool, and some rope.”