- NASA leaked that their Moon mission plans were kept a secret from Mitt Romney, in case he won the Presidency. NASA did this because Romney suggested that to save money in the NASA budget, we send Astronauts to the Moon, do a quick photo-op, and then leave the Astronauts on the Moon to become self-made men like Romney.
- Paul Ryan said that Barack Obama won re-election due to the high turnout of “urban voters”. Then he went on to say that he and Romney would have won the election, “if more lame-ass line-dancing white dockers wearing suburbanites turned out to vote.”
- Washed out 1980s singer Bret Michels will be making appearances at PetSmart retail stores throughout the East Coast. On his PetSmart tour, Michels will be discussing how dogfood is great cheap cuisine for humans who happen to spend all their rockstar money on hookers and blow.
- Taco bell will begin selling nachos and chicken nuggets —-wrapped in a fried tortilla. They are also giving away free diabetes if you go more than twice a week.
- MSNBC reporter Luke Russert is catching flack for basically asking House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi to step down from her post because she is too old. But Russert became mighty silent when an anonymous reporter snapped back, “Hey, if your Dad were still alive, you’d be unemployed.”
- General Petraeus’ wife is reportedly, “beyond furious” about her husband’s affair. Apparently, his wife said that she could have written a much more detailed biography of the General than his mistress, but all Mrs. Petraeus got from him in return was birthday sex once per year.
- New Rule: If you’re a restaurant critic for the New York Times, don’t write a brazen negative freakout review of a crappy corporate All American restaurant in Times Square. Times Square restaurants aren’t for New Yorkers, it’s for the foreign tourists, the derelict teenagers, and the overweight families from Iowa who are happier than a pig in shit to just be visiting New York. Let’s face it, if you’re a New Yorker—a New Yorker who is a food critic for the largest newspaper in the country—- and out of all of the thousands of NYC restaurants you can review, you choose on four separate occasions to do an investigative visit to a Chuck E Cheesey establishment in Times Square…then you’re not a food critic, you’re a shitty New Yorker. (STORY)