Late-Night Jokes for November 16, 2012

  • The state of Arizona has elected the Nation’s first bisexual congresswoman.  This is quite the feat since it has been such a long time since someone in Congress has worked both sides of anything.
  • The University of Wisconsin Badgers football team has clinched their Big Ten Division title, even though they are in third place behind Ohio State and Penn State—teams ineligible for post-season games.  So the Badgers decided to dedicate their post-season games to the victims of Jerry Sandusky and the tattoo artists and shoe salesmen of Columbus, Ohio.
  • Hostess Brands, the maker of Twinkies, is going out of business.  Rush Limbaugh will claim now that this is all a conspiracy by Michelle Obama to make Americans healthy.
  • A man who got paid $5,000 to tattoo the Romney-Ryan logo on his face is getting alot of grief from neighbors.  In the future, he might consider telling people that the concentric R’s stand for something more flattering:
    • Republican Redneck
    • Really Rad
    • Rock & Roll
    • Road Rules
    • Ruh Roh (with Scooby Doo dressed in military fatigues)
  • A study shows that the closer you live to a bar, the more likely you are to become a heavy drinker.  This has been disputed by some researchers, however, claiming that even if she were stranded somewhere in Antarctica, Lindsey Lohan would still find a way to get shitfaced all the time.
  • One study is showing that the size of a man’s penis does indeed matter when it comes to satisfying a woman in bed.  The same study showed that when it comes to giving men oral sex, basically nothing else matters.
  • Justin Bieber was pulled over while driving his Ferrari in West Hollywood.  Inside the car, police found Bieber sitting on 3 phone books with a block of wood tied to his right foot.
  • Vinny from Jersey Shore is getting his own talk show.  The production process of the show will be a major feat, since nobody in the cast or crew knows how to read or write.
  • Saturday, November 17 is National Unfriend on Facebook Day.  But in case you miss it, a great time to unfriend someone is when their name pops up in the upper right of the Facebook browser because it’s their birthday.  Remember, unfriending is much more useful than sending a trite birthday message.
  • The Principal of Minnetonka High School outside of Minneapolis has banished students from wearing tight spandex leggings because they look “too promiscuous”.  In addition, the Principal is now requiring the swimming team to wear baggy pants and sweatshirts in the pool so nobody’s swimwear is “too revealing”.

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