- Thanksgiving was last week. It’s the time of year when people say to themselves, “Of course, this reminds me why I dont keep in touch with my relatives.”
- Last week, millions of people lined up outside of stores like Best Buy to wait for Black Friday shopping to begin. And just to make people feel a little more desperate and pathetic, Best Buy employees sat inside the stores watching customers come up with crafty ways of going to the bathroom while standing in line.
- Wal-Mart started its Black Friday sales on Thanksgiving night at 8:00 PM. Cuz face it, if you’re shopping at Wal-Mart, missing Thanksgiving dinner with your family isn’t the worst of your problems.
- President Obama, per White House tradition, pardoned a Turkey last week. During the pardoning ceremony, the turkey had a big family, was loud, made annoying noises, and even snapped at the President. So they named the turkey Mitt Romney.
- Medical marijuana dispensaries in southern California were shut down recently. As a result, federal authorities are expected to get an increase in holiday ‘thank you’ cards from leaders of the drug cartels.
- Jack Taylor, a basketball player for Grinnell University, set an NCAA record with 138 points scored in a game against Faith Baptist Bible College. And with that, Jack Taylor proved that God doesn’t give a shit about sports.
- The Big Ten football conference, which ironically had 12 teams, just added Rutgers University and the University of Maryland. To incorporate their new teams into their moniker, the Big Ten will be renaming itself Fat Fourteen.
- English performing artists Coldplay announced that they will be taking a 3-year break from playing together. They warned fans not to worry, because in the mean time, there’s plenty of other shitty new music out there to meander to.
- Historians during the last two weeks were proven wrong–yeah, they said there is no way Lincoln would do well in the theatre.