- A US Astronaut and Russian Cosmonaut are slated to spend a year in space. They’re expected to get bored and have an intergalactic hookup during the 2nd week…you know, just to pass the time.
- The company that makes TastyCakes is rumored to start producing Twinkees after Hostess goes out of business. And to that, Michelle Obama said, “Ohhh hell no!”
- Actor Angus T. Jones said he wants to leave the show he is on, Two and a Half Men, because the show “goes against his Christian values”. Jones clarified, however, that this decision has nothing to do with the fact that the Jews own all of the media—-which he learned to accept just last year.
- The Elmo puppeteer has been accused yet again of engaging in sex with underagers. As a result, Sesame Street will be making a spin-off TV show titled, “Elmo Goes to Penn State”.
- Bill Clinton said in an interview that during his 2-term presidency, he only sent two emails. One email was about ordering late night Chinese food, and the other email involved asking an old buddy from Yale what kind of food drunk Jewish interns enjoy after hooking up.
- A group of nude AIDS activists stormed into the office of Speaker of the House John Boehner today. The Speaker became agitated and screamed at the protesters, “FOR THE LAST TIME! MY OFFICE TANNING BED IS NOT OPEN TO THE PUBLIC!”
- Air New Zealand has unveiled a Hobbit-themed airplane. The airline expects incidents of mile-high club sex to be non-existent on those flights.
- Football teams from Notre Dame and either Georgia or Alabama will be playing for the BCS National Championship in January. God reiterated to all three fan bases that he will not be answering any prayers about the game, since his eligibility ended 2000 years ago.