Late night jokes for November 29, 2012

  • Hillary Clinton said that the person who has had the most profound effect upon her since becoming Secretary of State was Nelson Mandela. She said, “it was like he was there with me all the time”. In reality, he was there all the time, except it wasn’t Mandela, it was Morgan Freeman and he has been narrating her life for the past 4 years.
  • Starbucks is now selling a rare coffee that will cost $7 per cup. But for only $5, customers don’t have to buy the coffee, but can feel self-important and tout around a souvenir cup.
  • The new CEO of Yahoo said her priorities are God, Family, and Yahoo in that order. She said the reason God and Family come before Yahoo is because both God and her family are all using Gmail and need to be converted.
  • Apple has fired the manager who was in charge of the flawed Maps application for the iPhone. When Apple told him to “get lost”, he snapped back, “oh yeah? There’s an app for that. And I made it.”
  • A wide receiver for the Chicago Bears says that some NFL players use Viagra to give themselves an edge. They say that when they take Viagra, it really disarms the NFL’s top homophobic players like Jared Allen and Jeremy Shockey.
  • It was released today that Dr. Dre makes twice as much money as Justin Bieber. That’s because Dre’s a doctor, and Bieber’s last degree was from Middle School.
  • A woman in Florida has been arrested for beating up her boyfriend, after he came too quickly during sex. As she beat him up, she learned that he was turned on by being beaten, and he came quickly once again. And so on, and so on.
  • Joe Biden went to the grand opening of Washington DC’s first Costco. There he said, “I am proud to welcome this great Wal-Mart to town.”
  • Chris Brown lamented on Twitter, before deleting his account, that he looks “old as hell” even though he is only 23. I guess that’s the price you pay when you’re an amateur domestic boxer.
  • Former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney had a private lunch at the White House with President Obama on Thursday. It was the first opportunity the two have had to visit since the election.  And to eat, Romney asked Obama for a whamburger and french cries.  And to drink he had a Whinekin beer.
  • There were no cameras allowed at the Obama-Romney White House lunch. And now the Tea Party wants to see a notarized certificate proving that they indeed dined.  Skeptical schmucks…
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