- “No Shave November” ended last week. Although the month-long mustache growing is done to create awareness about men’s health, the real winners are America’s plumbers— who saw an increase in business over the weekend clearing out millions of sinks full of stubble.
- A leader of the Tea Party has resigned after a major split in the movement. They couldn’t decide if they wanted to be known for being racist or just illiterate over the next 4 years.
- Kate Middleton is getting a lot of press for her newly announced pregnancy. In fact, Snooki from Jersey Shore has taken the time to impart her own maternity advice: Ronnie would make a good babysitter—and he needs the money.
- At the Kennedy Center Honors, singer Aretha Franklin said that she “met Mr. Led Zeppelin”, unaware that is the name of just the band, not any individual. And when someone explained to Franklin that a Zeppelin is a blimp, she smacked him for making a fat joke.
- A group of historians are attempting to preserve the Los Alamos, New Mexico site where the world’s first atomic bomb was tested. The historians are meeting some opposition, however, because they want to erect a sign that says, “Yup, we nuked ourselves. Fuck. Us.”
- Singer and and staunch republican Ted Nugent said that welfare recipients shouldn’t be allowed to vote. But he also clarified that washed-out rockstars from Detroit shouldn’t be allowed to have political opinions.
- While on a trip in Indiana, Newt Gingrich ended up on the set of the filming of an episode of Parks and Recreation. In his cameo role, Gingrich will be playing the role of an unpredictable elephant with a bad attitude and a filthy butt—in other words, he’ll be playing Newt Gingrich.
- Before posting a single tweet, the Pope netted 500,000 followers after creating a Twitter account last week. After that, the Pope went on YouTube and made the following comment over and over again: “ugh, gay”.