Late Night Jokes for December 28, 2012

  • US Senators are back in Washington, DC a week early to work on the fiscal cliff crisis.  And sex therapist Ruth Westheimer said that the most stubborn lawmakers “probably aren’t good lovers”.  She made this conclusion after realizing that the only fucking John Boehner does is with the American public’s future.
  • Some US Senators are objecting to events depicted in the film “Zero Dark Thirty“, saying it distorts how Osama Bin Laden was caught.  Apparently the filmmakers show in depth how SEAL Team Six was the military’s first all-gay tactical team.  Gays allowed to serve openly, Bin Laden caught promptly—there is a correlation.
  • This week marks the 94th anniversary of the trading of Babe Ruth by the Boston Red Sox to the New York Yankees—setting off an 86 year World Series drought by the Red Sox.  It was known as the ‘Curse of the Bambino’ since the Red Sox seemed to never win a World Series again after Babe Ruth’s trade.  But now that era is just referred to as, “the yeeahs the Red Sax were loosahs”.
  • The movie The Hobbit was released recently  It’s the story of a small man wandering around with a ring.  The working title of the movie was, Jeremy Piven Proposes to a Hooker.
  • Apple is having a great holiday season—selling millions of iPhone 5 devices each day.  Thus, civilization is another step closer to phasing out face-to-face communication in favor of Texting and Instragraming cat photos.
  • Many Denver residents claim that they saw a UFO in the sky recently.  This may or may not have something to do with the legalization of marijuana in Colorado last month.
  • It was released that the McRib sandwich at McDonalds is not made from rib meat.  In fact, the McRib is just made from the same part of the raccoon that the chicken nuggets are made from.
  • A study shows that people addicted to porn have short term memory loss.  The study was conducted by asking the porn viewers to do household chores while they were watching porn.  All of the participants eventually forgot to do the chores, despite yelling,  “OKAY OKAY I’LL DO THEM WHEN WHEN I”M DONE CLEANING MY ROOM.”
  • A study by the University of California-Berkeley shows that squeezing breasts can stop cancer.  Still, this is no excuse for your boyfriend to update his LinkedIn profile to reflect his experience in “amateur breast oncology”.
  • Two men got engaged at the White House while doing a holiday tour.  After the proposed said “yes” and embraced, an Abraham Lincoln statue stood up and applauded.  You know, cuz Lincoln was supposedly gay too.  Nevermind…
  • A man was arrested over the weekend trying to break into Taylor Swift’s house.  According to authorities, the burglar’s day job is being a Kanye West impersonator.
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