Late Night Jokes for January 5, 2013

  • The Packers will be playing the Vikings at Lambeau Field this weekend, where the game time temperature will be below 30 degrees.  Vikings defensive end, Jared Allen is excited to play, for he will finally learn  the freezing temperature of white-trash.
  • Washington DC is now ranked among the top ten drunkest cities in the United States.  So it’s not that Congress is stupid, it’s just they’re really drunk all the time.  And they’re stupid.  (STORY)
  • Congress finally passed the Fiscal Cliff this week.  Or as Fox News’ audience who don’t read newspapers called it, “the Physical Cliff”.
  • Former press secretary for George W. Bush, Ari Fleischer has vowed with other staunch conservatives to donate less money to charity in 2013.  In other news, grass is green and greed is still the GOP’s favorite pastime.  (STORY)
  • House Speaker John Boehner told Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, “Go Fuck Yourself.”  Reid took the higher road and didn’t re-engage, but Reid did consider responding, “I’ll fuck myself as soon as you agree to stop fucking the country, capeesch, Cheetoface?  (The Comedy News Story)
  • The republicans in the House of Representatives this week blocked the passing of the Violence Against Women Act.  Even worse, they passed the Tolerance for Conservatives Act.  (STORY)
  • Priceline.com acquired travel search engine Kayak.com for almost $2 Billion.  It will be surprising to see that William Shatner will continue to be the Princeline.com spokesman, especially since he can’t fit into a Kayak.  (STORY)
  • Minnesota Twins baseball star Torii Hunter said he would find having an openly gay teammate “difficult and uncomfortable”, due to his religious views.  It is hard to believe Torii Hunter could be so irrational on LGBT issues, particularly because he has lived his entire ignoramus of a life with a girls name.  (STORY)
  • Star Wars creator George Lucas recently got engaged to DreamWorks animator Mellody Hobson.  At their wedding reception, none of the guests are expected to be un-dorky enough to ask anyone to dance.  (STORY)
  • A story on Yahoo News explained the meaning of the New Years song, Auld Lang Syne.  Despite the millions of views the story received, most people still sing the lyrics as, “Should auld acquaintance be forgot?  Lahhhh dahh dah, da da da dahhhhhhhh!  Should auld acquaintance be forgot?  Lah dah dahhhh dah auld lang syne!”  (STORY)
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