Late Night Jokes for the Weekend of January 11-13

  • On Friday, instead of saying TGIF, people were saying TGIFCSS…. Thank God It’s Friday Cough Spit Sleep.
  • I saw ‘Zero Dark Thirty‘ today.  I’ll spoil the ending for you: as the credits roll, footage of Mitt Romney winning the Presidency is shown.  Kind of a fantasy film.
  • Vice-President Joe Biden met with video game producers to talk about gun violence.  The Vice-President says that he expects to get some good debating done, as soon as he’s finished shooting ten rounds of Big Buck Hunter.
  • The Congressional delegation from the state of Hawaii has no Christian members currently.  So they’re changing the state motto to, “a Jew, a Hindu, and two Buddhists walk into congress to represent Hawaii…”
  • The erotica novel, Fifty Shades of Grey will be coming out in hard cover this spring.  The publishers are going to call it the Hard Like A Boner Edition.
  • McDonalds locations in Great Britain will be giving out Happy Meals with books instead of toys.  This way, British children can grow up fat and dorky, instead of fat and happy.
  • Public schools in the state of Maryland have topped the national rankings for the fifth straight year.  This proves a correlation between decent schools with crab cakes and lousy professional football.
  • A ‘drinking mirror’ app has been released, which shows drinkers what they will look like in ten years based on a photo and their drinking habits.  What really scares the drinkers is pictures of ugly people and what they look like to you after you’ve downed a few drinks.
  • Earlier this week, the iPhone turned six years old.  To celebrate this, Apple will be giving iPhones away to six-year-olds, so they can get started wasting their life away too.
  • Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor complains in her new memoir that a drawback to living in DC instead of her native New York is that getting food delivery takes much longer.  To this, Justice Clarence Thomas suggested that a good way to make for more food preparation time is to completely stop preparing for oral arguments altogether.  It’s worked for him for twenty years.

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