- A record storm might hit Washington, DC this week. It’s called Hurricane SlapHappy Inauguration Tourists.
- University of Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o is in trouble after faking having a girlfriend with a terminal illness. He said having a fake girlfriend with a terminal illness is almost as bad as playing football for a school with a dying self-important reputation.
- The world is awaiting the highly anticipated interview between Lance Armstrong and Oprah Winfrey. Insiders say the interview will be 120 minutes of tips on how to lose weight using a bicycle and steroids.
- President Obama is struggling with the Debt Ceiling. If a solution isn’t reached, Republicans have threatened to continue to not cooperate until people like Obama less than them.
- Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke four words for the first time on the bench in 7 years. Those words were, “I just farted, everyone.” (See THE COMEDY NEWS)
- Wal-Mart announced plans to hire 100,000 U.S. veterans. Wal-Mart said their motivation stems from not wanting Congress to be the only ones to deny our troops health care.
- A survivalist group is trying to build a gated community which could hold up to 7,000 like-minded families. They plan on calling themselves, “The state of Wyoming”.
- The makers of a Star Wars video game are making a new version that features a gay planet. The gay planet’s love interest will be a dumb planet named Earth.
- Former Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich has been hired by Fox News. We always knew Fox News was run by very small men, but now they’ve gone a bit literal.