Late Night Jokes for February 13, 2013

  • Former President George HW Bush’s computer was hacked last week.  The surprising part of the story is that the 88-year-old George HW Bush knows how to use a computer.  Or in this case, he has a computer, but will click on anything because he’s an old fart with useless kids.  And married to the Quaker Oats guy.
  • Harlem shuffle is becoming viral this week, being called “the latest dance craze”.  Let’s just call it by it’s real name:  the 2013 Macarena.
  • Ted Nugent was at the State of the Union address this week.  At the speech Ted served as a living example of the work America still has to do to combat illiteracy, drugs, racism, and body odor.
  • The most popular dog breed of 2012 was the Labrador retriever, according to a survey. The survey also said the least popular dog of 2012 was Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas.
  • A hot dog at PINKS Hot Dogs Stand in LA will be named after Olympian Ryan Lochte. It’s called the “Dumbass Swimmer Dog”.  And it comes with a side of “whatever heh”.
  • A DC bar is having a ‘shred pics of your exes’ nite on valentines day.  Annnnd Taylor Swift just threw up in her mouth.
  • The makers of both Budweiser and Corona have been talking about a merger. Their first new beer brand together will be called “PissLite”. Good with lime.
  • Recently, Prince Charles rode the London subway for the first time in decades.  To get the full experience on the famed Tube, Prince Charles hit on a lasse, busked for pounds, and jerked off twice.
  • Senator John Kerry was confirmed for Secretary of State, replacing Hilary Rodham Clinton.   His first duty will be to rename the position, “Secretary of Brilliant Foreign Affairs Genius That Bitterly Missed Out on Becoming President.”
  • So Chris Brown jumped Frank Ocean in a fight in LA.  But in the long run, Frank will jump Chris Brown in record sales, decency, and time not spent in prison.
  • Apparently it’s still illegal in Virginia for unmarried couples to live together.  So many courts are starting to hear the legal defense, “We’re not dating, we’re legally just roommates that f%$k”.
  • Tom Brady & Giselle now have a moat at their new home. Good. I hope they’re trapped there and can have bad second-place sex in solitude for all eternity.
  • The week of the Super Bowl was the 168th anniversary of Edger Allen Poe’s The Raven. The Baltimore Ravens would have found this inspiring for Super Bowl week, if only they could read.
  • Republicans want proof that President Obama ever went skeet shooting. Sounds fair, as long as republicans can prove that George W. Bush actually read 100 books in his last year
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