Late Night Jokes for February 26, 2013

  • Seth MacFarlane said that he will not host the Oscars again.  So in other words, the Oscars are going to give being unfunny and sterile a try again next year.
  • A 24-year-old father at a Van Nuys, California was arrested for leaving his 2-year-old daughter in his pick-up truck. His defense was, “changing poopy diapers in the strip club would have really hurt my chances of hooking up with a stripper.”
  • The International Olympic Committee has dropped Wrestling from the 2020 Olympics.   The sport is not likely to return unless some combination of jello, mud, or nudity is involved.
  • A 7th-grader attached a Hello Kitty doll to a balloon and sent it to space for a science fair project.  Although the contraption was complicated and expensive, the girl was flunked because her parents clearly did the project for her.
  • A study says that Alcohol consumption may ward-off dementia.  And for non-alcohol drinkers, vomiting and beating one’s family members is also a great way to ward-off dementia.
  • Actor Steven Segal has been educating Arizona security officers on martial arts.  After that, Segal got to be a guest lecturer on the secrets to filming flop movies and winning Razzies.
  • A new study says that sex makes people happiest.  In a close second was free WiFi and watching footage of other people having sex.
  • Ikea has been caught selling Swedish meatballs containing horse meat.  Their spokesman’s defense was “It could be worse, Bed Bath and Beyond’s meatballs contain human meat”.
  • A technology publication has said that iPhones should be protected from winter weather.  So now Paris Hilton won’t be the only materialistic weasel that shops for NorthFace coats for her iPhone.
  • A new study says that human brains can remember a blog post much better than a novel.  So the next 50 Shades of Grey novel will be about combining bondage and cat videos.
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