March 4, 2013
Late Night Jokes for March 4, 2013
- Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II has been hospitalized due to a stomach infection. You hear that? Even the Queen of England gets diarrhea.
- The movie Jack the Giant Slayer, based on the story Jack and the Beanstalk, is projected to do poorly at the box office, despite costing $195 Million to make. Let this be a message to all of you filmmakers: we the public are tired of your big-budget special effects ripoffs of children’s literature. If you’re going to make a $200 million movie based on a kids book, make one called “Everybody Poops: The Movie”. Then people won’t look at me funny anymore when I call these unoriginal special effects orgies “shitty”.
- The FBI released its files on Whitney Houston today. Nothing new, though, just a series of old Access Hollywood VHS tapes from 1992.
- The state of Michigan has appointed an emergency fiscal manager to help the ailing economy of Detroit. In his first televised speech on the job, he announced that he will be spending the city’s last $138.57 on PowerBall Tickets.
- A private investor is starting an enterprise to send a couple to do year and a half journey to Mars and back. First they will have to design a spaceship, which will have to have special accommodations to trim pubic regions in zero gravity.
- A guy from a town called North Freedom, Wisconsin accidentally shot himself in the foot while drunk. People don’t often mention it, but freedom allows people to do really stupid shit.
- Charlie sheen will welcome Lindsey Lohan to his show as a guest. Cocaine dealers are lining up for product placements during the show.
- Steven Tyler of Aerosmith defended Beyonce’s lip-synching at inauguration. Because if you need anyone’s advice about lips, it’s Steven Tyler.
- Arnold Schwartzenegger has signed onto a new Terminator film. It’s going to be called, Terminator 5: How to Terminate Your Marriage and Still Get the Chores Done.
- A Japanese official has said that in order for the country to save money, elderly people should “hurry up and die”. We have that in America—it’s called Paul Ryan’s medicare plan.
- A new study shows that New York City is doing better than Los Angeles at eliminating childhood obesity. Who would have thought being a bagel snob is better for your weight than being a fashion snob.
- Kim Kardashian said that she will not allow cameras in the delivery room when she has her baby. It would be nothing new, since most of the world has already seen her crotch.
- Facebook’s Mark Zuckerburg demonstrated recently how the website’s new search function will help single people find more single people. Unfortunately, the new function does nothing to hide the shame that you will have met your date on Facebook.