Late Night Jokes for March 7, 2013

  • A poll shows that most American Catholics want the new Pope to be younger and hipper.  So the next Pope is going to be Anne Hathaway and James Franco.  Cuz that worked SO well for the Oscars.
  • Wrangler has come out with a new set of jeans that fight cellulite as you wear them.  In other news, Wrangler’s new spokesperson is Adele.
  • A new study shows that senior citizens that play video games are happier.  So who knew that throwing your Wii remote at Grandma is good for your health?
  • Larry King’s replacement, Piers Morgan, reports that he gets death threats every day.  The 79-year-old Larry King said to this, “Piers, don’t be such a wimp!  Death threatens me every day as well.”
  • Beef Products, Incorporated—the maker of chemically nefarious pink slime that holds together fast-food beef, is suing ABC and Diane Sawyer, claiming that her story led to a loss in profits.  Beef Products’ lawyer plans on using the “freedom to make the public fat and sick” defense.
  • At a recent auction Leonardo DiCaprio won a “night with Bill Clinton”.  The two of them are planning on hitting LA clubs and stealing women from unsuspecting millionaires, and then dying on a cruise ship.
  • A health advocacy group is criticizing the Cheesecake Factory for offering meals that have over 3000 calories.  They say they should change the name to The Cheesecake and Eventually Diabetes Factory.
  • The director of Zero Dark Thirty has come out against torture.   And to that, she apologized to the public for torturing the public with her last movie The Hurt Locker.
  • An American worker was fired for paying someone in China to do his job for him.  And then Mitt Romney woke up from his slumber and realized it was all a dream and he’s not actually president.
  • A new version of MySpace launched yesterday.  It’s a much simpler format than before.  It’s now just a single page that says “go to Facebook, we surrender.”
  • Dunkin Donuts plans to expand into Southern California.   It’s all part of their new business model to turn more hotties into fatties.
  • Subway customers are complaining that the foot-long sub is only 11 inches.  Customers are also complaining that they are getting picky at subway.
  • A world wide legal organization has called for the legalization of prostitution.  If this happens, the world’s most mass-produced industry—oil—will be over taken by nookie.
  • Joseph Lotus, head of the New York subway system, might run for mayor next year.  His opponents look forward to tying him to the wretched smell of piss in the system.
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