Today marks the first day of the Jewish festival of Passover. So for the next week, Jewish people worldwide will be abstaining from leavened bread, and consuming copious amounts of matzah. Experts predict an increase in constipation at Synagogue bathrooms over the next seven days.
Last week, Twitter turned seven years old. Makes sense, especially because most tweets look like they were written by a seven year old.
A fake pilot was arrested aboard a US Airways flight. When police asked why he pretended to be a pilot, he said he just didn’t feel like getting his balls grabbed by TSA.
Fifty Shades of Grey author EL James says she will “turn down the sex heat” on her next novel. The working title is “Twilight”.
A US Centers for Disease Control study shows that many mothers in the U.S. start infants on solid foods — including peanut butter, meat, and french fries — earlier than experts recommend. The study also shows that many fathers introduce infants to f-bombs, fart jokes, and professional wrestling too early as well.
Republican Senator Rand Paul is saying now that kids should not be sent to jail for drug crimes. He did add an exception to this, saying he will support jail time for drug crimes if the perpetrator is a gay female immigrant environment advocate.
A University of Michigan employee has been caught running a child slavery ring. While in Ann Arbor court, the judge read the verdict: “Jail to the slavery-drivers, Jail to the no-wage payers, jail jail in Michigan, the leaders and the best.”
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has vowed to win the fight to ban assault weapons. Of course, in New York, the most surefire way to win anything is to just have George Steinbrenner cut a check. Shave your beards, assault weapons!
The Washington Post has a come under fire for not publishing an article criticizing the media for not condemning the Bush Administration’s rush to war in 2002. Instead, the Post ran a classic editorial with the headline, “Buy a New Car, Go On Vacation, and Support What Mr. Cheney Says, Otherwise, the Terrorists Win”.
The MTV Video Music Awards will be held at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn this year. As a result, there will be a few new award categories: Hipster of the Year, Best Song That No One’s Heard Of, and Most Irritating Use of Ironic Humor Award.
Bill Gates’ foundation has issued a challenge to reinvent the condom to something that feels even better than not using one at all. When reached for comment, Gates was overheard whispering to his wife Melinda, “I can’t believe they fell for that shit!”
This entry was posted on Monday, March 25th, 2013 at 4:36 pm and posted in Late Night Jokes. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.