Late Night Jokes for April 1, 2013

  • Today, 35,000 children and their parents will be descending upon the White House lawn for the annual Easter Egg Roll.  The event’s slogan is “witnessing thousands of children is really just live-action birth control”.
  • A former NBC news correspondent has called local news outlets a “waste of time”.  Don’t worry, local news outlets.  This guy is just bitter, angry and right.
  • Conservative columnist Bill Kristol has dismissed gay marriage as ‘pathetic to embrace views of some 26-year-old who doesn’t know anything’.  Kristol neglected to comment on what it’s like to be a 60-year-old noisemaker who has made a career out of being furiously wrong all the time.
  • Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano says that she does not use email in her job.  This makes sense, because using email would go against the Department of Homeland Security’s mantra of never doing things quickly or  make sense.
  • Doctors are urging the FDA to restrict caffeine in energy drinks.  The FDA said that they will have those restrictions made, but they will need a few cases of Red Bull to get it all done.
  • GAO says there’s a higher risk for accidents and violations at anthrax and bio terror labs due to low government regulation and standards.  Currently, the only safety regulations is to have staff watch clips of the movie “Outbreak“.
  • Bill Clinton says he wishes he had supported gay marriage when he was president.  He said it could have been much more politically helpful than engaging in straight-up adultery.
  • Another member of SEAL Team Six has come forward and said Bin Laden was unarmed when he was shot.  He also said that SEAL Team Six received their training from the LAPD.
  • Parts of the Berlin Wall have been removed despite protests from David Hasslehoff.  Apparently, the former actor left  his career in one of the concrete panels.
  • Victoria’s Secret is coming under fire for targeting children with its new slogan “bright young things”.  So, instead Victoria’s Secret will market themselves to the older crowd with the slogan, “bitter old snatches”.
  • A man won an $8000 settlement after getting stuck on the It’s a Small World ride at Disney World.  He then got nominated for the William Howard Taft award for “fat guy who got stuck in something famous”.
  • A new study says herpes may lead to memory loss.  This was discovered after many afflicted participants responded, “I can’t remember who I last went down on…”
  • Scientists are speculating the dinosaurs had sex on their sides to avoid their mates spiked tails.  This is in contrast to humans that have sex on their side because they haven’t been practicing their push-ups.
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