Late Night Jokes for Memorial Day Weekend, Part 1

  • The CEO of Apple Tim Cook testified in the Senate this week.  And John McCain asked Mr. Cook why the Apps always need to be updated.  Tim Cook told the senator, “Because sometimes, when things get old, useless, and out of date, they need to be replaced.  Ahemmm.”
  • In high school, President Obama signed a girl’s yearbook by calling her “sweet” and “foxy”.  He finished the message by writing, “If I were President, I’d make you secretary of handjobs.”
  • A top political expert says that the Toronto Mayor Rob Ford caught smoking crack on video is a “pretty good mayor”.  As a result, a leading candidate to run for Mayor next year is Lindsey Lohan.
  • Pope Frances said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven.  Yup, as long as they donate enough of their annual paycheck to the Church.
  • A new poll finds that the least popular country in the world is Iran.  Because of this, Kim Jong Un told his North Korea cabinet, “guys, we’re doing something wrong…”
  • In Pennsylvania, a couple stabbed each other in an argument over who should win American Idol.  Because of this, TLC is now going to start a new TV series called, “White Trash Watching Trashy TV”.
  • An 80 year old Japanese man has become the oldest person to climb Mount Everest.  Unfortunately, none of his friends cared because he still can’t figure out how to upload pictures to Facebook.  And they’re all dead.
  • In China, Chinese authorities arrested almost a thousand people for selling counterfeit meat.  In a related story, McDonalds around the world wide are reporting a burger shortage.
  • JC Penny has new ads for thanking customers for “coming back to us”.  This came after they axed their last slogan, “The economy is shit, so why don’t you let us dress you like shit.”
  • Some Taco Bell restaurants are testing out new breakfast tacos.  It’s all part of a new partnership between Taco Bell and Pepto Bismol.
  • A new study says couples who have a sex schedule are more likely to stay together.  Hence, the popular foreplay line, “hey baby, have my Secretary pencil you in.”
  • 42% of Americans have an unfavorable view of hipsters.  The other 58% said that they have an opinion on hipsters, but it’s too obscure for you to understand.
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