Late Night Jokes for August 28, 2013

The New York Times website was attacked by computer hackers yesterday. This was discovered when the headline on their website read “Print Industry Doing Awesome”.

People have compared the United States’ response to the conflict in Syria to Bush and Cheney’s response to the Iraq War. When asked for their opinions now, Cheney said “I hate Syria”, and Bush said similarly, “I ate cereal too.”

The members of NSync have said that they have no plans of reuniting in the forseeable future. But don’t give up hope, NSync fans. They may still get back together in the year 2030 for their Menopausal Madness tour.

A woman in Florida taking a road-side sobriety test stole the police deputy’s patrol vehicle. She thought that there is no better way to prove that you’re not drunk driving than to get behind the wheel and show ’em first hand.

Celebrity couple Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are reportedly separating. They said they just want to spread HPV to other people.

Today, a rally was held at the Lincoln Memorial to mark the 50th Anniversary of Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream Speech”. Today also marks the three-year anniversary of Glenn Beck’s cowardly rebuttal to King’s speech.

The Los Angeles School District is considering getting iPads for students. This is happening because schools were complaining that some students had an unfair advantage at learning to procrastinate.

There is a rumor that this September, Apple will be releasing a gold-colored iPhone. Apple executives are hoping that this will make the iPhone just a little bit more likely to be stolen on the street.

Wal-Mart has finally extended health-care benefits to workers that are same-sex couples. Don’t get too excited, it’s cheap knock-off Wal-Mart health care.

JD Salinger’s estate will be releasing posthumous books by the year 2020. Thus proving that not only humans, but books themselves can be reclusive.

A horrific story in China: a woman took her son into a field and gouged out his eyes. Just a quick survey, what objects—besides eyes—are capable of being gouged out? Or does gouging refer solely to eyes?

Speaking of horrific wordplay, The Oxford Dictionary has added the word “selfie” to its list of new words for 2013. The definition will be, “a photograph taken of and by a self-absorbed narcissist with a smartphone.”

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