Late Night Jokes for September 5, 2013

Today is not only the Jewish holiday of Rosh Hashana, but it’s also opening day for the NFL season. This means that it wasn’t a very happy new year for Aaron Hernandez’s legal defense team.

Yesterday, a news anchor accidentally hung up on Oprah while he was interviewing her. Oprah said that it happens all the time, like whenever she orders a pizza and asks for it to be delivered to Oprah Winfrey’s house.

At a Senate Foreign Affairs hearing on Syria, Senator John McCain was spotted playing poker on his iPhone. This is an a new era for the Arizona Senator, who in his early days as Senator would typically be spotted rubbing two sticks together just to stay warm.

A five year old boy in China has become the youngest person ever to fly an airplane. The first place he flew to was a Toys R Us…assembly plant.

In Texas, a snake was spotted in a Starbucks. When the 911 operator asked the barista what the critter looked like, the barista said “venti with two pumps of hazelnut”.

Tim Robbins, star of The Shawshank Redemption, has begun teaching acting classes to inmates at a California prison. The first class involved crawling through a pipe full of shit and acting like you don’t mind.

Actor Will Smith said today that he would consider acting in the movie Independence Day 2. Producers assured him the movie won’t flop, particularly because his son Jaden will not be asked to be in the movie.

A photo was published by the White House of President Obama on the phone with his foot rested on the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office. When asked why, the President defended, “How else do you expect me to scrape the dog shit off my boots?”

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