The upcoming Tom Hanks film, “Captain Phillips” about a cargo ship hijacked by Somalian pirates, has been described as “Oscar-worthy”. The movie’s tagline is “Finally A New Pirate Movie without Johnny Depp”.
Officials say a brush fire on Camp Pendleton Marine Corps base is only 41% contained. It is expected that more Marine Corps Drill Sergeants will be shipped to the scene to call the brush fire a “weak orange pussy” until it quits.
A recent article pointed out that there has recently been a 61% increase in jokes during Supreme Court proceedings. It is no surprise that the majority of the jokes have been cracked by Jewish Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. The least jokey member of the Supreme Court is still Associate Justice Clarence Thomas—-he never talks but has been known to play a dick-and-pubes prank every now and then.
The Mormon Church now boasts more members than the Jewish community in the United States. However, the Jews still control 12% of the U.S. Senate, 5% of the House of Representatives, and 98% of any given comedy scene.
KISS bassist, Gene Simmons, claimed that Kurt Cobain and Amy Winehouse are wrongly given icon status just because they died young. Simmons then claimed that he himself was as iconic as Mozart, Beethoven, and that ghoulish woman who plays bass for the band KISS.
The Federal Reserve will be re-designing the $100 bill. One of the signature features will be a new photo of Benjamin Franklin offering $100 to a Revolution-era prostitute.
A nine-year-old boy boarded a plane in Minneapolis without a boarding pass and ended up in Las Vegas. The boy has been identified as Kevin MacCallister.