Late Night Jokes for March 7, 2014

The Colorado Rockies baseball team will be serve pot brownies at their baseball games’ concession stands.  And during the 7th inning stretch, the fans will now sing, “Take me out to the speed-ball game”.

Captain Phillips’ villain Barkhad Abdi said this week that despite that he’s an Oscar-nominated actor, he is essentially broke. He does, however, have a plan to make money—it involves a small rusty boat a few machine guns, and a ladder.

LA E-cigarette ban approved.  So once again, non-smokers in LA can talk shit behind the backs of their stinkiest friends every few minutes.A statue of the biblical Pharaoh’s daughter was unearthed in Egypt recently.   A 3,000 inscription written in heiroglyphs read, “Worthless Daughter of an Asshole.”

Actor Mark Wahlberg has reportedly lost 60 pounds in preparation for his next movie role.  See, Rebel Wilson, it’s not that hard!

A study shows that only half of milenniel-generation Moms are married.  However, there are disputes with this study, since some married mothers don’t say that they’re married on their Facebook profile.

A California Lawmaker has introduced a bill to banish live Orca Whale shows at SeaWorld. SeaWorld employees are fearful, not that SeaWorld will close, but that they’re gonna have to teach a shark to do backfilps on command without getting mauled.

According to the LA times, last week was the “wettest week in Los Angeles in the last 3 years.”  This isn’t due to the storm, it’s due to the premier of a new sex video starring Brad Pitt.

Scientists have developed a new type of sausage that is made from baby poop.  And it can be yours for $0.99 at a Taco Bell near you.

A substitute teacher at a grade school in Oklahoma has been arrested for coming to class drunk.  Administrators became suspicious of the substitute teacher after he blathered that the kids wer “fuckin awesome man, BUT I CAN KICK ALL THEIR ASSES”.

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer reluctantly vetoed legislation that would have made it legal to discriminate against the LGBT community.  She would have signed it into law, but was concerned that the law wasn’t homophobic enough.

Tickets to the Burning Man Festival sold out in 45 minutes today. This will likely explain why the weird guy in the office was extremely preoccupied at about 10:00 AM and full of rage by 11:00 AM.

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